My First Numeric Goal

I'm currently sitting at 212lbs. I've been in the 200s for my entire adult life and the closest I got to getting under it was 202lbs in 2009 when I was going through my divorce. 
It's not a diet I would recommend because divorces suck in the long run but at the beginning of that process I was HAPPY. I was free from a loveless/sexless marriage and I was taking care of myself and my daughter basically on my own. I dropped over 20lbs in approximately 2 months time. 
Of course all of that came back, and then some.
I can't recall but I was somewhere in the 230s-240s when I got pregnant with Baby Bug.
So I'm pretty happy but be sitting at 212.  That's 40lbs less than my highest weight ever as an adult.
I try not to set numeric goals because it's just a NUMBER. I don't want to obsess over the number on the scale or on my clothes or on the calorie content of my food.  I use them as tools but don't want them to be the only measure of success.
However, I think it's time to set a small numeric goal. So here it is.
I want to be lower than my lowest adult weight by the time Baby Bug hits 18 months old--12/18/13. My goal is to be 201 lbs.
Weird right? Most people would aim for 199 just to say they made it into "One-derland."
I think 201 lbs is a better goal for me. It's better than I was at my best as an adult and it's probably easier to reach 11 lbs than it is to reach 13 lbs in 3.5 months. 
If I go over, well then YAY!
And oh my goodness I'm setting this goal during the holiday season.  Time to REALLY focus.

Technical Difficulties

We have been having internet troubles here on the home front. We had a router go bad and it was a few days before we could get another one. Logistically speaking it's difficult to hardwire connect because it's in an awkward spot.  Additionally, we have all been sleeping in the living room for two weeks straight because of the heat and I haven't had any time or privacy at night to write. The baby stays up too late because we're all in one room.  By the time I get her down, Batman wants to go to bed and have a few minutes alone to cuddle and chat.  It's just been a series of incovenient events preventing me from getting here to write my blog.

I have missed it though.  I haven't felt as accountable for my choices because I haven't been here to write about them. So I'm going to list a few good things and a few stumbles:

1. I am down a total of 15lbs from my last known weight prior to this journey.  Some of my clothing is getting loose on me.  I am fortunate to have a variety of smaller sizes of clothing waiting for me while I transition so I won't have to buy new.  That's a good thing because if I lose even 10 more pounds, my pants won't stay up (you can't wear a belt with yoga pants folks.)

2. Roller derby is going well. I have gone to three practices thus far and all have been in 85+ degree heat with high levels of humidity and no air conidtioning.  I've managed to hang in for the majority of the time and haven't left early despite feeling like I was dying.

3. Batman is down a total of 26lbs from his highest weight. I'm proud of his hard work.

Stumbles:

1. I haven't made it to the Farmer's Market in a couple of weeks and as such I have not had as much fresh produce to eat for meals and snacks. I have succumbed to cravings and bought processed foods and have been eating more of those.  Even though I've continued to lose, I can feel the difference in my energy level.
2. I haven't done any exercise outside of roller derby. Seems like it would be enough but it is only two days a week. I want to work out at least 4. The same challenges that have prevented me from blogging have prevented the exercising. We're all stuck in one room so I can't do my videos; I can't breathe in high humidity and heat so no outside activities; and I haven't been invited to the gym.
3. My anxiety and stress levels are really high and I'm having difficulty coping.  I have eaten my feelings a few times and have gotten into arguments with people and have snapped at my kids. I realize that this is highly situational and that, when we are able to put the kids in their own rooms and have some down time and privacy at night, my stress level should go way down. But life is like this and I need to find healthy ways to cope no matter the circumstances.

That's a pretty decent catch up of things I suppose. I need to refocus and set a couple of little goals to work on now that I've made some progress on my initial goals.

Ideas?

Stress

Batman and I are both stressed. I ate my feelings for two days.  He is still eating his feelings. His stress today is because we are broke and have no money for groceries.
So the best plan is to go eat whatever food we already do have.
Great idea.
Today is just not a good day

PS--missed yesterday because the computer had a virus.

Cranky Pants--Take Them Off!

Today has been a rough day. It started out fine with a good breakfast and a little play date with friends.
It kind of went downhill after that.
Baby Bug is in dire need of clothes for the fall. Like she has a small handful of stuff that's weather appropriate and the right size because suddenly she can't fit the size she's been in for months now (imagine that, she grew!)
I've scoured resale sites and Salvation Army and Goodwill and a handful of rummage sales. Today I went searching at some sales that were posted online. I ventured out about 20 minutes from where I live and had a hard time finding the addresses I'd written down because of stupid construction. I managed to locate one but the others were just too difficult to find because the main way there was blocked off. I headed back toward home and found a handful of others but really nothing for Baby Bug OR Monkey.
It was lunch time and I was starving. I didn't have any portable snacks to bring with me so of course I went through the drive thru. I had a perfectly good lunch waiting for me at home but no I had to grab Taco Bell. I got one burrito and that's it. I hit a couple more sales before picking up Monkey from my parents. Found one shirt each :(
I arrived at my parents to find pizza.  And since I'd only eaten one burrito I was still hungry.
So I ate 3 pieces of crappy pizza, because I was hungry and it was there.
I was so angry at myself for it because it didn't even taste that good. I just ate it because it was there.
We left my parents and I'd managed to eat 1250 calories for lunch. It was 1pm and I had approximately 54 calories left for the day so I KNEW it was completely blown.
Baby Bug didn't nap and was whiney and cranky and I was frustated with myself for the overeating and I was frustrated with my internet for not working.
I overate at dinner too. And then I had crappy food for a snack after. I didn't even log my dinner or snack because I know roughly what it was and I basically negated everything I'd done at derby practice on Wednesday night.
And my mood is terrible. All this processed crappy food and I've been just as cranky as Baby Bug.
LESSON.LEARNED.
Until I put my cranky pants back on again in the future.

Oh Cravings, I have not missed you

I've done fairly well with healthy eating since I started my journey 40+ days ago. I haven't really missed much because I haven't starved myself. I enjoy eating food that fuels my body.
Today....

Today all I could think about was a dozen different delicious fatty foods--chips and dip, a big fat cheeseburger with fries, donuts for breakfast, nachos from Taco Bell. I wanted pop and ice cream.

Thankfully I did not have any of this food in my kitchen. I had half a bag of BBQ chips but I only ate a few with my lunch. I had a Cadbury ice cream bar but I have had one of those every day. None of these things were addressing my cravings.

Batman and I went out to the video store to rent some cheapy 50 cent movies. On the way there I was thinking how close it was to Dairy Queen and how we passed Taco Bell and McDonald's and the old Grand Traverse Pie Company.

What is WRONG with me?

I didn't really want the food I don't think. I think there is something else there. I was lazy all day today too. Maybe that contributed to it? I didn't get up and do anything remotely active. I think I took out the trash and that's about it.

When we got home from the video store I made myself a banana peanut butter smoothie. I went over my calories today but I'm okay with that because at least my snack was healthy and not a bunch of junk that I really didn't need.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day!

She Rolls Again!

So it was my first night back at roller derby. I spent the entire day kind of jittery. I'm not sure what the nerves were for entirely. I know that part of me was worried that I just wouldn't be able to keep up.
I mean, it's been two years almost since I've played derby. I've had another baby and gained and lost about 40lbs total. My leg muscles are nowhere near as strong as they were before I had Baby Bug. My core strength? Well that's basically non-existent.
I was nervous also about not knowing anyone, about everything being different than when I was there before. New girls, new rules, new coaches and refs. There are a few people left from before but derby was just so exciting and so new and so...life changing before.  I was trying really hard not to expect that same sort of experience.
I got to practice a little early because I was getting some new to me, harder wheels to make it easier to skate a bit faster. When I got pregnant with Baby Bug I had been trying for a couple of weeks to order new skates from the rink but the manager was never there to help me. I needed new wheels and bearings and wanted new boots and probably a new helmet and wrist guards. Before I ever caught up with him, I found out I was pregnant. 
Everything happens for a reason right?
I had to remember how to put on all my gear. After inspecting it for any tears or damage from all the moves, I proceeded to put both elbow pads on upside down and couldn't figure out how to get my bearings out of my old wheels. 
I was finally geared up and ready to roll. 
It's different now.  I'm back to Fresh Meat status and the way they train new girls is different from what I did before. Not bad, just different.
One of the first things we did after warming up was a time trial to see how many laps we could do in five minutes. This was always my weak point. I would always finish half a lap behind what I needed to pass.  Now they've raised the number needed.  But as we started I found myself flying past the other two girls who went at the same time as me. My legs were burning and my lungs were burning and I got that old familiar tired feeling. But I talked to myself through the whole thing. This was just the first night back, just to see where I was starting and how much work I would have ahead of me.
I finished only 1 lap behind where I left off two years ago. 
I was pretty damn impressed with myself I must say.
The rest of the night we did more stuff I was familiar with and I was happy that most of it came back to me pretty quickly. Good old muscle memory.  I wasn't the best in the group obviously but I wasn't the worst.
And I was able to keep up. I never once fell behind. I did all of the things that the girls who have been there for awhile have been doing.
I was happy too because there were a few girls that I skated with before so that helped me not feel so nervous about being back. I was familiar with them and their skating style and I knew how to partner with them. It felt really really really good.
I can't wait to get back out there again even if I did have a massive headache and desire to puke upon returning home. That's the derby way though--always ready for more!

Meet and Greet

I'm not sure if I went into any sort of detail about the experience Batman and I had with our previous primary care physician.

I met this doctor back in 2000. I was very very sick and on the brink of pneumonia. I was not quite 22 years old and had never chosen my own physician before. This guy was close by and since I hated driving in the winter, I was sold.

He was with me through all of my pregnancies, including the two miscarriages I had. He was with me when I was diagnosed diabetic, when I was hospitalized for a swollen trachea, and when I tore my hamstring at roller derby.

I wanted very badly to have a longterm relationship with a doctor because explaining health history is so daunting.

The thing is....I was always scared to go to him and tell him what I had or had not done.

Over the years I've struggled with weight, depression, anxiety and they have all influenced each other. The more I ate, the more I weighed, the more depressed I became, the more anxious I became, the more I ate, the more....you get the idea.  My depression often made me stop taking my medications and checking my blood sugars. He always scolded me but I just accepted it.

I thought I'd finally be able to please him (I'm paying him to provide me a professional service, yet I was always worried about him being unhappy with me!) when I'd joined derby and lost some weight and my blood sugar was under good control.

It wasn't enough. I lost 20lbs and he said "You still weigh too much" My a1c levels were at 5.8 but I never got that pat on the back or feeling that it was enough.

The last time I went to see him I was discussing the medication that I was taking and how I was having difficulty remembering to take a second pill. I wanted to know if there was a one a day option. When I mentioned that I couldn't remember he said "Now you're 33 years old and you should know better...."

I stopped him and told him not to speak to me like that, he is not my father and I would appreciate it if he would change his attitude. He apologized but that broke us right there. I wouldn't do exactly what he wanted, no matter what it was because I didn't want him to think he could bully me into it.

I know I was ultimately hurting myself in that process but I finally realized that our relationship was not working. I was not getting any better and he wasn't really wanting to help me anymore. I had made multiple requests for blood testing strips for my sugars and he would never give them to me. When I called back in for a refill on my asthma medication that I have been taking for 26 years they said I had to come in for an appointment and asked why I hadn't dropped off blood sugars. I lost it. I told them that I had asked and I couldn't make him do his job and I needed the asthma medication because I needed to breathe. She insinuated that I had not used it correctly and I told her that I was tired of how I was treated there and was thinking of finding a new doctor. She said she'd pass the info along to the doctor.

His response? "I talk to her that way because she is not compliant with her treatment. If she is unhappy with her care perhaps she should find another doctor."  And then he called in my asthma medication.

Find another doctor we did.  It took some research because I was not picking a name out of a book. I asked friends and family who they see and made phone calls. Some I did not call because I did not feel they were a good fit. We finally found a doctor who required a meet and greet before seeing her.

I love this idea. Our insurance requires us to choose a primary care physician and we are unable to switch for 3 months after our selection. I don't want to get stuck with another narcissistic know it all for even three months.

Today was our meet and greet. The doctor was young and vibrant and very thorough in explaining how they operate in their practice. She answered questions for us and it felt like she was really excited to be welcoming new patients. I shared some of my experience with the previous doctor and she assured me that she understood, that she is a mother and that many women our age experience mental health issues and they can handle them well. 

So tomorrow I all our insurance and request her to be listed as our primary doctor and then I can make an appointment.

I'm so ready to get on with this chapter of my journey toward health!

Time Management

Today I wrote out a weekly schedule for the chores and errands I routinely have to do. I included shopping for food and food prep on the schedule.

I did include days that I would have derby practice but I did not include days for strength training or an extra day of cardio.

I've been struggling with time management lately. I know that I need to schedule it in like an appointment and just stick to it. I am certainly hoping that I will be able to manage that much better after K goes back to school. 

School? Ain't nobody got time for that.

I'm pretty sure that's the best worst phrase ever.

Beach Snacks!

Today our family ventured out for what is likely to be one of the last, if not the last, beach trip of this summer. It's been unseasonably cool, save for a couple of weeks (including this one coming up and of course we have no money to make another beach trip so we suffer through the high 80s/high humidity weather in our one air conditioned room....)
I love the beach. I love the water, the sand, the sunshine. I love the people watching. I love seeing my kids and husband having fun. I love getting a tan. I am calm there, even amidst the chaos of splashing children and screaming toddlers and rednecks screamin "Watch this!" (ahhh, home)
What I don't love is the prep of going to the beach. I am always the one making sure everyone has on swimsuits, sunblock, towels and beach blanket are loaded into the car and of course I'm responsible for the food. Most of the time we plan to have an entire meal there, usually a bbq of some kind. There is so much to pack when you're having a bbq.
Today I decided I wanted to keep it simple so we just had snacks.  I packed up some cheddar cheese cubes, some cucumber slices, whole wheat mini bagels and red grapes. Super simple, delicious and healthy.
As we were sitting on the beach watching the various other families with their snacks and meals I sort of didn't recognize myself. The bags of chips, the cans of pop or beer, the candy or chocolatey granola bars--that's what I would normally have packed for us. I remember being in public before with those types of snacks and looking at the families who had the healthy snacks and sort of---wishing maybe? that I could be like them. I'm not sure why I thought I couldn't be. My family ate everything I packed and were more than happy to guzzle their water bottles down as well.
We've changed our eating habits so much, they didn't even mention the difference in the snacks compared to what everyone else ate.
What's your favorite beach snack?

Veggies

One of the goals I made at the beginning of the year was to add more veggies to my diet. I've been pretty successful.  I have added a few new ones that I didn't eat too often before: sweet potatoes, spinach, carrots, and cucumbers. I mean I ate them before but now they are pretty consistently part of my diet. 
Monkey has always been good about eating veggies but she isn't so awesome at trying new things.  Today I made a new recipe with zucchini from the Farmer's Market.

Cheesy Baked Zucchini Fries
"Kid Approved: Healthy Snacks"--Michigan Nutrition Network

Ingredients:
2 medium size zucchinis (I used one large!)
1/4 cup cracker or bread crumbs
2 tablespoons of grated Parmesan cheese
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar (if you do not have  balsamic vinegar, use apple cider vinegar, rice vinegar, or any other type of vinegar instead---we used apple cider vinegar!)

Directions:
1. Preheat oven to 475 degrees.
2. Spray or grease a large baking sheet.
3. Peel zucchini and cut in half lengthwise. Cut each half into 8 lengthwise strips.
4. Combine cracker crumbs and cheese on a plate
5. Pour vinegar in a large shallow dish.
6. Dip each zucchini strip into vinegar, cover with crumbs and then place on prepared baking sheet.
7. Bake 5 minutes, turn strips over,and bake until crumbs are lightly browned, about 5 minutes more.

***********
So we tried to fast track this by using a baggie full of crumbs/cheese and putting multiple strips into the vinegar at once. I would not recommend this. Some of the strips got soaked in vinegar and the coating didn't stick as well as it did when I used the plate.  I'd also cook them just a bit longer.

The kids didn't like them very much but one of my besties and I loved them.

What's your favorite veggie?

100 Squats

In preparation to return to derby next week I contacted my old coach who is now training all of the current fresh meat (three of whom are actually former skaters like myself and women I love dearly!) I asked him for exercises to help build endurance. He told me to just come to practice already, that I need sustained workout periods to build it up. He did however challenge me to do 100 squats.
I laughed.
And then I did 100 squats.
Because I'm a roller derby badass like that.
My knees hate me and kinda gave out on me a few times after I was done.
But hey, I did 100 squats.

Be Your Own Hero

If you've ever watched the movie "Whip It" with Drew Berrymore, you recognize that line.

I used to play roller derby. For two years it was my outlet, my support group, my own personal challenge. It was hard. I had never been an athlete, never played an organized sport of any kind, never even fully participated in gym class.

Ironically it was a full year after I saw the movie mentioned above. It didn't even occur to me that it was something I could even do. I was about to turn 31, was extremely overweight and had probably only been on roller skates once since I was around 10 years old. But I enthusiastically joined my first practice and despite bruising my tailbone, pulling my groin and having extremely sore legs, I went back and I was hooked.

For two years I pushed myself--learning to trust my body and the strength in my always muscular legs, enduring endless hours of drills and suicides and throwing myself to the floor ON PURPOSE, getting dozens of bruises and tearing a hamstring. But for two years I had the love and support of everyone around me while I pushed myself, including the most amazing group of women I have ever met (til this day, and I have met some pretty phenomenal women since then!) More than anything it made me push myself in many other aspects of my life. If I could do that, I could do anything. So went the story of lots of women I met--women getting the courage to leave unhealthy relationships, go back to school, get better jobs. Empowerment is more than just a buzz word associated with roller derby--it is the true spirit of roller derby and those who live it know this.

Roller derby was the one thing I've ever done JUST FOR ME. For my body, for my mind, for my well-being.

I had to leave when I got pregnant with Baby Bug and had fully intended to go back when she was 3 months old. I told Batman "Don't let me quit this. I need it in my life." Baby Bug had a pretty rocky start to life and I was not able to go back as anticipated. Then finances got in the way and then time. 

Now I have the time but not the money. Isn't that always the story?

Tonight the skating rink that hosts our derby league had free open skating in celebration of the annual Back to the Bricks car cruise. I have gone every year since 2010, even last year. I ran into some of the women I skated with and a couple of new faces.

When I saw those women, when I opened my skate bag--I just had this overwhelming feeling of being home. I belong there, with those women, on those skates, pushing myself to be better. 

So I am going to go back. I can't afford to pay dues so I'm going back as a referee--but I still get the experience, the workout, the derby love.

And I get something just for ME. That's just as much a part of this journey as anything else is.

One Month!

I've been 34 for one month.

One month ago today I decided to take back my body.

It doesn't feel like it's been that long. And I have to say it doesn't feel like it's been that difficult this time. It feels more normal than I ever anticipated.

I don't think often about junk foods really. I did think about some today but the thoughts were fleeting. I wanted something salty and cheesy but then I just did something else for awhile and the craving went away. It wasn't even that strong of a craving.

I am watching Extreme Weight Loss and they are showing all of the junk food that this poor guy is being surrounded by--donuts, pizza, wings, chili cheese dogs, sausage. It didn't affect me the same way at all. I thought the donuts looked good but then I thought about how bad it would be for my body and that thought passed just as quickly as it came.

I WANT to be better. I have been checking my blood sugar every day. It's not pretty at all. It makes me sad and nervous to see those high numbers on the screen. But I am going to the doctor next week and hopefully it's a good fit, hopefully she gives me some medications I can take.

I also get to be weighed soon.  I have no idea if I have lost any weight.

I took some pictures to share.

 

The side view looks a little smaller I think? Not sure. I should do a side by side.

 

Now it's time for bed. 11 more months to go! 

Do the Achy Leg

Last night at the gym I tried out the Arc Trainer. I had never even really heard of this piece of workout equipment but my workout buddy assured me that I would get a good workout on this. She did not lie. It felt really awkward at first--I couldn't tell if I was going forward or backwards (I guess I really wasn't--more of an up and down motion I think??) It was one of those workouts that I knew I'd be feeling the next day and maybe the day after that.
I was not wrong.
My calves are achy today as are my feet. I know this is in part because I do not have the correct footwear.
I went for a walk tonight and I wasn't walking very fast but my legs were aching and I only did 1 3/4 mile instead of 2 1/2 miles like I normally do. I was in pain.
I feel frustrated because I don't really know what to do at this point.
I do not yet have the money for new shoes and may not have it until next month. I can't go a whole month without working out, but I can't stand the pain in my feet, legs and back.
Anyone have suggestions of good workouts I can do that don't involve my feet? I'm still going to walk, I need the fresh air and peace of mind.
Otherwise my only cardio will consist of doing the Achy Leg.

It Feels Good

Lots of things feel good.
I'm specifically referencing self care though.
Not THAT kind of self care.
I don't know about the rest of you but I find myself taking care if everyone else all the time and rarely taking care of me.
Since I've started this journey almost a month ago I've been focusing more on taking care of myself-eating well, moving more, doing things I like to do. I've been reading books, going to the gym, cooking and trying new recipes.
It's funny because I stopped working to focus more on caring for my kids but ended up taking more care of myself as well. Being home isn't a sacrifice after all.
It feels good!

Sharing

Since we are on a tight budget--money-wise AND calorie-wise--Batman and I have started sharing meals when we go out go eat. That's not often these days but somehow did it twice this weekend.
Today we were out running errands around lunch time and were hungry. We decided to go to Qdoba and split a giant burrito and some chips and salsa. It was more than enough for the three of us--I shared mine with Baby Bug. The girl loves her some black beans and rice. We kept the tortilla because, let's face it, it was delicious. I calculated out the calories I consumed in myfitnesspal and was in shock.
For HALF of the burrito and HALF the chips and salsa it was 801 calories. EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE!
I used to, not often, eat one of these burritos by myself at one sitting. I'm sure most people who go there do just that.
The burrito itself was over 1,000 calories (with cheese and sour cream of course, and the corn salsa)
I'm sure that most places have meals of this magnitude.
The Chinese meal we split was 1202 calories for the portion I consumed. That's nearly my whole day of calories in one meal.
And you know what?
Well two things.
We were more than satisfied with our shared portions
And we were just as satisfied with a 600 calorie meal at home.
So when you go out remember that sharing is caring--for your wallet and your waistline.

Smaller Pants

This week I had my period. It kind of snuck up on me this month. So that's been making me feel awesome--even if it was a shorter lighter period.
Last night we cheated and had Chinese food. Lots of salt.
Bloating central right?
Today I put on, zipped and buttoned a pair of jean capris TWO sizes smaller. I had a pretty noticeable muffin top.
But I got them on!
I then was able to button and comfortably zip a pair of jean capris that are one size smaller.
Muffin top not included!
My Internet is still down so it's another short entry. But how sweet it is.
Smaller pants, bigger smile.

Cheat Day!

My Internet is acting up so this will be short and sweet--like me!
Today we totally cheated and had Chinese for dinner. And pop!  I'm satisfied for awhile though and ready to eat healthy again tomorrow.
It almost feels like a game sometimes--seeing what combos of food I can eat and stay withinu calorie goal. Or seeing how much I burn by exercising. Twisted. I know.
Hopefully out Internet gets fixed tomorrow!

You Already Know You Know

I have been struggling lately to find a good topic for my blog posts. I have to write every day because it's one of the main things keeping me motivated to continue this healthy journey I'm on.

I was actually inspired for today's topic.

I don't know about all of you but I am an information seeker. I try to find out all the information I can about something, whether it's something I'm going to purchase or somewhere I'm going to visit or something I'm going to start doing. Before I cook something I read the recipe several times to make sure I know how to do it before I get into cooking it. That's how I am with pretty much everything I decide to do or try.

Over the years I've researched and read and absorbed all the information I can about healthy eating, diets, exercise, etc. I have read books, talked with doctors, went to dietitians, taken diabetic education classes. I even know the psychology behind a lot of it having worked in social work and getting my Master's in Health Education. I know all the stages of change people have to go through to make a behavior part of their life.

I keep thinking about how this time is going to be different and wondering what changed.

My point of realization came when I was helping other people trying to lose weight. I was giving them healthy eating and exercise tips. I was giving them advice on making behavior changes and working through psychological road blocks.

It dawned on me then. I already KNOW what I need to KNOW. 

It's time to DO.

Each day I have to wake up and make a choice to keep going on this journey. I have to remember to check my blood sugar. I have to record my calories to help me make good food choices. I have to make a grocery list and meal plan so all that I have available is healthy food. I have to make time to exercise. I have to plan around every day life including taking care of kids, doing laundry, running errands, going on playdates or doctor appointments or family beach trips.

I'm definitely not perfect. I never will be. But I stumble a lot and find myself maybe in the drive thru at Taco Bell on a day when I have a lot of errands to run or lounging on the couch during naptime instead of getting in a good workout. 

I have to decide, next time, to bring snacks, schedule errands around meal times so we don't go out on an empty stomach, or even to choose healthier food if I HAVE to go through the drive thru.

I have to decide to turn on the Kinect or pop in a workout DVD when the baby is sleeping.

It only takes a second to really decide to do something and start it. Sitting around dreading it, thinking about doing it or reading about how I can get in a work out won't help me get healthy.

A lot of people repeatedly ask how to lose weight, diet tips, exercise tips, etc. I did that.  The answers are always the same.

If you are asking these questions more than once, please realize this:

You already KNOW. It's time to DO.

Another Baby Step

I checked my blood sugar today and adjusted my planned breakfast accordingly. I also took both doses of my medication.
Small steps toward getting my body healthy.
I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and a tough workout at the gym.
Time for bed!

Honesty

I went over on my calories today because my mom made cake and tuna casserole and I ate it. It was okay--I guess I'm just used to the way I cook and eat anymore, but I love to eat at my mom's when she cooks good food like that. But it leaves me hungry later on because it's a lot of carbs and not enough protein or fiber.

But it's okay because I was supposed to go to the gym tonight and would very easily work off that piece of cake.

My gym buddy canceled and I can't go without her.  (No really, it's her membership, I can't go alone--they won't let me in!)

Still hungry though.

So I ate the last two chocolate chip cookies we had.

And I *ALMOST* decided not to put them into myfitnesspal.  Because if I don't log them, they don't count I guess?

But I put them in there and saw how much I went over my calories.

I was honest with myself.

But you know what? It's not the end of the world. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll eat healthy and I'll get some exercise in and the days will go on.

I will have off days where I eat cake or cookies or pizza or Chinese food.

But I don't eat that way every day and I never will eat that way every day again.

Honest.

My Own Kinda Cardio

Today was a rough and busy day at home.
Baby Bug was super cranky--like super duper extra cranky. I'm not even sure she was feeling well most of the morning. She woke up extra early (7:30 instead of 9) so her sleep was cut short. She puked a little on me but I'm not sure if that was just because she drank too much milk or not. She cried and whined all morning. I tried putting her down for a nap FOUR times before it finally took.

Putting a 1 year old to bed should be considered cardio. I'm just sayin'.

I still managed to eat well today and got in a little workout hauling some boxes and laundry baskets up and down the stairs.  I made a delicious roasted chicken in the crockpot with some roasted red potatoes and green beans.

I ate cookies for dessert though. I don't even feel bad!

Because I had to do a second cardio workout at bedtime.....

Why do kids fight sleep? I'm heading there now and I just can't wait!

Something Clicked

I was discussing the whole vicious weight loss cycle with a friend tonight. You eat something unhealthy, feel guilty, eat even more unhealthy food, feel even more guilty. Rinse, repeat. I have been caught in this cycle over and over and over again in my life.
I thought I was there the other day when I wrote the entry about what happens after 2 weeks. Well guess what? I'm three weeks in and that was basically the only day that I got way off track. Last week I didn't exercise as much but this weekend alone I walked over 4 miles. I picked up a new used weight loss DVD. I finished a weight loss book (Jillian Michaels' "Slim For Life"--was a good easy read!) I didn't go over my calories all weekend.
I don't know what has clicked this time but I'm really glad it has.
I think my 48 hour Facebook break really helped show me that if I put my mind to it, I CAN break out of bad habits and do something that's healthier for me and for my family.
Since I did not get on Facebook at ALL yesterday and not until after the kids went to bed tonight, I got so much accomplished. I finished the book I mentioned. I started organizing the basement. I went hiking. I went for a 2 mile walk. I made delicious meals. I spent a lot of time with Batman and Baby Bug (Monkey was at her dad's new house.) I got a lot accomplished and feel proud of myself.
And I did not miss Facebook at all. Okay maybe in the few minutes before bed when I'd normally be checking it or in the car when Batman was driving. But the rest of the time, when I'd normally be reaching for my phone to check, I did something else. I've never been able to do that before.
Again, something has clicked.
What I really like about this blog is that when I come here to write, I am happy or proud or determined. All POSITIVE things. I haven't focused on how much I suck or been in a woe is me state of mind. If I am stuck, I ask for help. And I recognize that I'm a work in progress and I'm coming along quite nicely.
I'm doing awesome actually.

Fresh Air

I have this little secret.

I really ENJOY breaking a sweat and being active. Once I get started, I have a hard time stopping.

I never used to enjoy it until I played roller derby for 2 years. After I broke through those first couple of practices, I couldn't get enough of the endorphin rush!!

Sadly now what mostly stops me is time. I squeeze in my exercise during naptime or at night after the kids are in bed. I usually get an hour or two if Baby Bug naps particularly well but I have many other things to do in that time frame so I have to ration my time. But honestly--I could probably spend that whole 1 or 2 hours doing something to get the blood pumping.

Today was one of those days. Batman and I wanted to get a good workout in together but we had Baby Bug. I decided we'd go for a little hike. I could wear Baby Bug in my Mei Tei and off we'd go. Sadly we had tons of other things to do today but I DEMANDED that we squeeze in this activity.

Once we got out there I wanted to spend the day walking through and just enjoying the fresh air. We only got to hike the trails for about an hour before we needed to get back to reality--and Baby Bug had enough of not being able to get down and explore (sorry kiddo, we can't eat bugs and rocks!) I could have walked another hour or two. I just enjoy that feeling of knowing I'm doing my body good by moving around.

Batman and I are both doing pretty well with all of these little lifestyle adjustments. My mom even mentioned that it looked like I lost weight and Batman put on a shirt that used to be a little tight and it fit him much better. So something is changing. Let's keep it going.

I can't wait to get back out into the fresh air again!

Time to Unplug

I got into a Facebook fight today.
Mature no?
My feelings were valid and expressing them was not necessarily a bad thing. However, it turned into something much larger than I anticipated or intended. A couple dozen people responded to my post, with several posts each. Last I counted I had 65 comments.  That did not count the private messages I got. Of course 99% of these were in support of my perspective. The other 1% was the person about whom I was speaking. She didn't like it one bit and got snarky and all "woe is me" and defensive. It was infuriating.
But you know what?
I literally wasted HOURS of my day on this ridiculous Facebook argument.
HOURS--like close to 4 probably.
RI-DIC-U-LOUS.

I have had issue with how much I am on Facebook for awhile. Batman doesn't like it. Monkey gets frustrated when my face is constantly in my phone. Most of the time I am mindlessly scrolling through grumpy cat memes and breastfeeding pictures and ignoring game requests for Candy Crush. Sometimes I come across something meaningful and profound. Or I make playdates with other moms in the area. Or I share pictures of my cute kids with my family.

But approximately 80% of the time it's something I could have lived my whole life without needing to see.

And I look up and catch the tail end of Monkey tickling Baby Bug or Monkey trying to show me a new dance move she made up or Baby Bug bringing me a book to read or Batman tickling Baby Bug until she giggles. The tail END of that. And I'm in the same room--I should see ALL OF IT.

This is not to say that I have to be completely wrapped up in what they are doing every single second of every single day.

But there are many other things I could be doing instead of mindlessly scrolling through the endless sea of George Takei quotes and posts from The Oatmeal.

I could be reading (we have a goal of 25 books by the end of summer and we have about 18 left to go with one month left!) I could be exercising. I could be cleaning. I could be napping. I could be meal planning. I could be going through the things in the basement that I can sell to get extra cash. I could be going for a walk or taking the kids to the park or letting Baby Bug crawl from the front yard to the back or blowing bubbles and listening to her giggle.

Facebook is a nice place to catch up with friends and family and a nice place to zone out once in awhile, but it is time for me to zone in--on the things that are important to me.  I'm taking a 48 hour hiatus from Facebook. Doesn't seem like much but when you can barely go 7 minutes without checking your alerts, it's time to take a step back.

It's time to unplug and move around a little.

Two Weeks At a Time

Anyone who has battled weight and health issues for more than a few years knows this cycle I'm about to discuss.
I have started down the healthy eating and exercise road many many times in my adult life. I've lost weight. I've even made it several months doing one OR the other. But these things have to work together.
The last few times I've tried, I've made it anywhere from 2 weeks to 1 month fully committed to the changes I want to make. Then I slack a little around two weeks. Then I slack a little more. Then I just give up and the whole cycle begins in a few months.
This week has started my decline. I have worked out once. It was an hour long work out but it was just once on Tuesday. I've gone over my calories 2 out of the last 3 days.  And still been "hungry."
Today has been extremely stressful for me. It didn't start out that way. Well it kind of did. Neither child slept well last night--Baby Bug woke up somewhere between 2am and 3am and didn't want to go back to sleep unless I held her or she could kick me and Batman while bedsharing; Monkey woke me up THREE times between 4am and 5:15am. She was overly excited for a sleepover she's having with her BFF tonight. I had to get up early to get dinner in the crockpot and get the house tidied up so the lady I was babysitting for today didn't think I lived in a crackhouse. I started out the day exhausted but it was still okay. A little hectic with 2 extra kiddos here at lunchtime but manageable. Baby Bug went down for her nap relatively easy, Monkey and her BFF entertained themselves and I watched Toy Story with the little I was babysitting.
As soon as he left it went downhill. Baby Bug woke up far too soon, thus not getting a complete nap. Monkey and her BFF were barraging me with a constant stream of requests. And a cranky Baby Bug was screaming and whining at me non-stop until she went to bed about 15 minutes ago. The meal I made wasn't what the girls wanted and since BFF was a guest, I got pizza for them as a treat. Of course, I ate a piece. And then I ate dinner. And I overate because the food I prepared wasn't healthy or low-cal and I didn't snack today trying to save room for it. That backfired. ]
I am finding tons of excuses and I really hate it.
I KNOW better but am having a really hard time not eating my feelings and keep justifying my lack of desire to exercise (I'm tired, I would exercise if I could go to the gym, It's too late, etc)
I really really do not know how to break this cycle and I want to.
For those of you who DID, how did you do it?