Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Talk It Up

I had my second therapy appointment today since restarting again.
I began therapy in 2008 when I was beginning the downward spiral that lead to me getting divorced from Monkey's father a year and a half later.
It got me through a lot of things--brought me back from the brink of...suicide? Not quite--but I didn't care if I died or not. I wasn't going to do it, but I didn't care if it happened. And I am so thankful that I was surrounded by people who loved me and encouraged me to reach out for help.
But I was sitting there today and it felt more like I was talking to a friend or a colleague about what is going on in my life.
The fact is, I am equipped with the problem solving skills I need to work through almost anything. I don't think I'm suffering from depression right now. I know that it's a slippery slope and the first sign of it I need to get my butt back on meds.
I didn't schedule an appointment when I left today. We discussed the possibility of me coming back after I get my physical from the (hopefully!) new doctor next month. I am guessing she doesn't think I need to be there anymore either.
Time for a little less talk and a lot more action.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

I don't wanna miss a day!

I'm lying in bed about to go to sleep and realize I didn't blog yet! So I'm on my phone and this will be short and sweet--like me!
I went to the gym tonight with a friend and worked out for an hour. I burned so many calories I had to eat when I got home just to get my net calories up to almost 1200. I don't want to go below that.
The gym felt good. I loved getting all sweaty and gross. Can't wait to so it again!

Monday, July 29, 2013

I was runnin...

Batman made his first goal.
He wants to run a marathon.
Batman doesn't run.

So we have a challenge ahead of us. I'm not sure about a marathon. That seems like a lot. I think we need to start with some smaller runs.

We need to start by ya know, actually running.

Scheduling is hard though. He leaves for work at 6:30 and gets home somewhere between 7pm and 8:30pm, depending on how many hours of overtime he works in a week.

I try to wait and do my exercise with him but I can't wait all the time. Tomorrow night I am going out with a friend to workout at the gym. I'll probably go for a walk too just to get some fresh air. He will be working until probably 7pm, getting home at 8:30 and I am meeting my friend at 9:30. Not ideal but I need to get some workouts in.

So how do we figure this out with his work schedule? Plus we have two kids that we need to consider. I don't know how we're going to make this happen, but I'm open to suggestions!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Two Five Six

I was diagnosed as diabetic in 2002. I was 21 years old and a type II diabetic. My blood sugar was something like 436 when I went to the ER for what I thought was an asthma attack. I did have trouble breathing but I'm wondering now if it was all my asthma.
I ignored it for 10 months and then became pregnant. By this time it was too late to get it under control and I subsequently lost that baby due to uncontrolled blood sugars. I vowed after that to do better and made a lot of changes. But I really didn't. I gained a lot of weight. I was 252 lbs at my heaviest weight.
In 2005 I got pregnant with Monkey and I was a perfect patient. I promptly lost 16lbs following the strict diet and only gained 13lbs back by the time I delivered. Upon Monkey's birth, my blood sugars regulated and I dropped 30lbs. I felt AMAZING. I didn't have to take any medication for about 2 months and then they started creeping back up.
I gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of weight. I've gone up and down for my whole adult life. Eventually in 2009, when I went through a divorce from Monkey's father, I got my act together.  Summer of 2010 I joined roller derby and really kicked things up. My blood sugar was under control and I was very nearly off my medications for both diabetes and asthma. In fact I really wasn't taking my asthma medications because I did not need them.
Summer of 2011 I started dating Batman and he is a food lover. All things comfort food and salty/crunchy snacks. I started cooking for him and he loved it. I made fried chicken and biscuits and gravy and meatloaf and mashed potatoes. We went out to eat chicken wings and pizza and hamburgers all the time. I started gaining weight again and my blood sugar wasn't as good as it was before.
November 2011 I found out I was pregnant with Baby Bug. I vowed to try and eat just as well as I did with Monkey, however I went through a lot of stressful complications with Baby Bug's pregnancy. I got a horrible rash, was not able to continue exercising, got the stomach flu, Monkey got head lice--and this was just in the first three months. By month 4 I was stress eating and depressed.  Then I lost my job. It was devestating and terrifying. I had savings and was able to get by with the help of Batman. We decided to get married that April.  The day after our wedding, I went into the hospital with an asthma attack. Five days later our entire apartnent flooded and we lost over half of our belongings. The next day I went into pre-term labor.
Dealing with all of that was a lot and food was my comfort. We were getting assistance and lots of it was food assistance. We always had plenty to eat and eat I did. I wasn't really checking my blood sugar and I was eating what I wanted.
Baby Bug was born 3 and a half weeks early. She was retaining so much fluid and had low blood sugar that she had a hard time regulating.
I felt INSANELY guilty. 
She was in the NICU for 8 days due to complications. I wasn't able to breastfeed very well because of her having to be there, me getting a fever and having to stay away from her for 24 hours, and of course, my blood sugar wasn't controlled.
We went home to our new apartment and were only able to stay there for 3 months before having to move in with family. Baby Bug wasn't gaining weight despite our best efforts at breastfeeding. Batman started a new job while I frantically searched for one.
November 2012 we were told we had to move out of our family's home.  I got a job that paid crap and then we moved into our current rental home.
Through all of this, food was my best friend. I couldn't do much but damn I could COOK some delicious comfort food. So Batman was, is at his heaviest weight. I'm hovering around average for my adult life.
I haven't checked my blood sugar regularly in several years. I checked today and was shocked at the number because I have been eating fairly well.
I'm looking forward to going to a new doctor and getting control back over this aspect of my health.
I want to see that number go down along with the one on the scale.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo Dat!

Pardon the poor use of the English language, but seriously--I don't have time for negativity.
I don't want to air out my family's dirty laundry but I have an aunt who is particularly prone to drama. She rarely speaks to me or my siblings unless it's to criticize something we are doing or aren't doing. I long ago decided I just wouldn't pay attention to her when she decided to pass harsh judgment on me for using food stamps and Medicaid and getting pregnant with my second child out of wedlock. Nevermind that I already did everything right the first time--I had a college degree, was working full time, was married for 3 years before having a child. I wasn't happy in that marriage and my ex-husband wasn't interested in working on it so I got out. My current marriage? Is everything I ever wanted and more. I got pregnant unexpectedly just five months into our dating relationship. We did not care--we knew we'd be together forever long before that because when you know, you just know. I lost my job 4 months later and was not able to get another job while pregnant. So we had to get help. And you know, there ain't no shame in my game. I worked, I put into the system, I genuinely needed the help so I asked for it and used it. Apparently that's not good enough for her, so she can just be happy over there without me in her life and I can just be happy over here without her in mine. I'll see her at Christmas and callit good. I don't NEED that kind of negativity in my life.
Recently she reached out to me and told me (and my siblings and some aunts and uncles) that we need to spend more time with Grandma. She said she sits and cries because nobody comes to visit her or calls her. (which isn't true, just not the particular people she wants to come visit or call all the time I guess?) She criticized us for forgetting about her. She isn't wrong. I don't call my grandma and I plan to make more of an effort to do so. Unfortunately I cannot go visit her because Batman, Monkey and I are all allergic to dogs and she has two. She can't come to me because she can't drive. I can't pick her up because I drive a matchbox car and she can't fit inside. But, I can call and so I shall.
The email was nothing short of confrontational and judgmental. But I wasn't mad. I just simply asked why she couldn't contact me for reasons other than to criticize me. She claimed she didn't know how to get in touch with me (umm my cell number hasn't changed in 10 years and she sure knew how to email me to give me the what for and two cents on what I should be doing!) She said she didn't care if people got mad at her over it. I told her I wasn't mad, because she wasn't wrong. But really, I don't have time to waste on negative energy.
Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

Friday, July 26, 2013

It's Not Worth it

Last night Batman and I really wanted ice cream. We haven't really indulged in any desserts in the past two weeks but we both agreed to have a bit of a cheat night and eat some ice cream. It took forever to choose one because we could not believe the calorie content per (teeny tiny) serving size! We kept going back and forth about whether it was worth it or not to even have it, but we did end up having some. We split up pints between last night and tonight though.
What's really tough is the social eating. We went to a BBQ tonight and there was soooo much food. I didn't eat as much as I normally do but it was still more than I have been eating since starting this journey. There were no veggies or fruits, a bunch of cream based dips, chips, baked beans and pasta. The main dishes were dark meat chicken, grilled, with the skin on. And hot dogs.
I could not even begin to enter this stuff into myfitnesspal, so we just won't. But it really made me think about what we have been eating. It's far easier to input single ingredients, or something with five or less ingredients, than it is to put in information for all this processed fattening foods.
And how do I feel tonight? I feel bloated and gross. I'm ready to hit the sack.
The food tasted good but it's really just not worth how I feel right now and the amount of exercise I have to do just to work that off. Hours of exercising for one meal.
Totally not worth it.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Time and Opportunity

Batman and I love to watch Extreme Weight Loss.  We find inspiration in the stories, many of them similar to our own. It motivates us to want to work hard and improve our own health.
But reality is that we don't have all of the time that these people do to devote to a strict workout and eating regimen.
We were discussing this last night as I was making dinner. I just made a simple pasta salad and a tuna salad, nothing fancy. But it took time to cut up all those veggies. It took time to go to the grocery store every day to buy the veggies so they don't go bad before we can eat them. It took time to prepare a healthy meal.  How much time would we save if we just got fast food? It's already cooked for us, we just have to drive there and eat it. And while we are driving there we can multi-task--drop stuff at the post office, make phone calls, etc. I can't do that all while I'm prepping and cooking food. And let's not forget I have Baby Bug under my feet constantly. Last night it took over an hour to make a pasta salad because i had to stop every five seconds to get her out of something that could cut her,  maim her, suffocate her, crush her or poison her. My 1 year old is Evil Knievel in a mini, female version.  But I digress.
Batman and I were talking about how if I wasn't staying home, I wouldn't have the opportunity to really make these changes and make them stick. Right now, nearly all of  my focus is on this healthier living journey we're on. I worked out three times yesterday and twice today. I chop veggies and fruits and count calories and drink water. I do yoga and dancing and go for walks daily with Baby Bug and Monkey when she is home.
So there is a reason for everything and maybe the reason that our childcare didn't work out and I ended up having to stay home was to give us time and opportunity to improve the health of my family--physically and emotionally.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Power of Three

Today was a good day. I had three specific things happen for which I am grateful.

1. I was able to work out several times today for a total of 95 minutes of exercise. This is huge since I basically couldn't even find time to work out 3 times in one week before.

2. I think we finally located a family doctor recommended by a friend. This has been stressing me beyond belief as I don't want to end up with another rude, condescending doctor who acts like he's my father instead of someone I am paying to help me.This new doctor is taking new patients with our insurance starting August 1st so I put a note in my calendar with a reminder set to call her back next week to schedule an appointment asap. Batman has some concerns he wants to address and I'm ready to do the next step in this year of getting myself healthier journey.

3. My subscription officially started. I'm excited for the new recipes and so thankful to my dear friend for gifting it to me. I hope that she and I can make and compare recipes and find some good things we like. Her hubby isn't doing so well health wise so we're trying to get him back into tip top shape as well.

There were a few more things too--Batman exercised with me (rather, me with him, since I'd already done 2 workouts but he wanted me to join him so I obliged); I made a good nutritious meal with plenty of leftovers for lunch--and it didn't break the bank; Batman's check was a bit more than we anticipated, leaving us more room to breathe as far as cash goes for food and gas; I was able to email Monkey at camp and she comes home in two days!; and I finished a book. I've been making time to read a lot more lately.  It's important to my self-care I think. I enjoy reading and it relaxes me. It gets my mind working and sparks emotions in me that sometimes I don't let shine through. I've been reading Nicholas Sparks novels so I've been feeling particularly romantic and loving toward Batman.
And, although it's only been nearly two weeks of this new journey, I have more energy and my sex drive is back. Thank goodness. I really missed it (and so did Batman...although his sleep schedule is a bit off these days...)

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Meal Planning

It's a crapshoot.
I sit down every week and plan out what meals I can make with what I already have and minimal purchases at the grocery store.
I tend to stock up every now and then, finding meat on manager's special or BOGO deals. I found a bunch of cod last week for cheap and a pound of ground chicken for $1.49. I planned out two new meals this week.
One was fabulous.
One was disgusting.
I made a version of PF Chang's Lettuce Wraps that was so close I didn't even notice a difference. And we ate every bit of it. I made some Dragon Noodles to go with them and it was the most fabulous meal I've made in a very LONG time. It was relatively healthy too. I used the garden delight noodles and that was our only carb for the meal. We were FULL for just around 600 calories. YUM.
Tonight I decided to use some of the cod and make fish tacos. Batman's been wanting to try them for awhile now and we had some delicious grilled fish tacos when we were on vacation over the 4th. Sadly my fish tacos did not replicate that deliciousness and I was extremely disappointed. I ended up barely eating any of it, ending with a dinner calorie count of 186. I had about two tacos and a bit of black bean/corn mixture I make frequently. I also made fresh pico de gallo. That was delicious and I plan to bake some corn tortillas into chips tomorrow (did I mention it's freakishly, wonderfully chilly here tonight?! I can turn on the oven with no fear!)
Meal planning is essential not only to maintaining a healthy balanced diet but also friendlier on the budget. As I mentioned I am dangerously low on funds for food for the next couple of weeks but I feel like I am going to make it work, navigating sales, using sites like Budget Bytes, and buying local produce from the Farmer's Market to bulk up our meals.
Additionally, my dear friend bought me a subscription to, and if we can figure out how to make the gift certificate work, I will begin using that.
I need to write about some other things but I'll save that for tomorrow. It's time to go to bed!

Monday, July 22, 2013

Your Shape

We purchased a Kinect for our Xbox 360 in 2011. Shortly thereafter I got pregnant with Baby Bug and my doctor told me I was not allowed to use it for the duration of my pregnancy. Nevermind that up until becoming pregnant with her I had consistenly been doing 4-6 hours of cardio per week in the form of playing roller derby. The dance movements on Dance Central 2 were clearly detrimental to my developing fetus (???) so I didn't really get to enjoy it.
After Baby Bug was born we had a series of unfortunate events that landed us living in someone else's basement and the Kinect in storage collecting dust. 
At any rate, I just recently started using it regularly. Batman and I found a game called "Your Shape" at a used media store.
The link opens in a new window in case you want to purchase it after my rave review!
Batman and I both have profiles on there and we love using it. It somewhat caters to your health needs and goals and tracks your progress AS you're exercising. It shows calories burned based on the intensity of your workout--it's scanning your body as you're working out. I have done a few personal training sessions on it and a couple of the fitness classes.
I will mix this in with the Dance Central and Kinect Adventures game when I need to squeeze in a short work out. I have a couple of pilates DVD's that I'd like to do as well.
I feel so good after working out. I'm glad that I am making time to do it again. It's no roller derby high, but at least I'm getting my body moving!

Sunday, July 21, 2013


I've decided to take weekly photos instead of daily--mostly because I can't seem to remember to take one every day. At least I'm honest.

So here I am a week after starting this. I don't really notice a difference but I did not expect to.

Like the sexy plaid undies? Haha.
Batman and I got in a nice long walk today with Baby Bug. Monkey is at camp and I will miss her this week.
I'm on the lookout for inexpensive healthy meals. We are really tight money wise this next pay period and I need to make about $60 last two weeks for meals. I've found some good vegetarian options.
I suppose the upside to this is that I can't overeat if I barely have enough to eat! 

Saturday, July 20, 2013

What's Your Number?

I may be going about this in a different way than most.

I actually do not know how much I weigh. The last time I checked it was probably March and I weighed 227lbs.

I could be more or I could be less by now. I have no idea though.

I don't own a scale.

I've contempleted buying one at a thrift store recently (because we just can't afford a new one--hell we can't afford a used one now.) But I realized that would make me obsess about the number.

Its just a number though. Everyone has one and it's different at different times of the day.

I've thought about using a tape measure to figure out if I'm losing inches. But that's just more numbers to obsess over.

So I'm going to try and just do this based on how I am feeling, based on my energy level, based on how I look in the mirror, based on how my clothes fit--you know, when I can break up with the X.

The good news is that I've gotten Batman on board with I think he enjoys seeing the numbers (hahaha) add up and figuring out how to make better choices. He's a little surprised that he has to eat more than I do--just about 500 more per day than me. He's also surprised at how difficult it is to get that in in a healthy way and how easy it is to go over with unhealthy choices.

Regardless of what the scales say, what the tape measures say, what our clothes say--we're finally taking time to make our health a priority so we can be around for a lot more years together :)

Friday, July 19, 2013

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

I've been discovering more excuses for stuff.
Like I can't exercise unless I have the exact right clothes.
But ya know what? Yesterday I played Kinect Dance Central 2 with Monkey--all while wearing a dress. So take that Excuse Monster--I don't need yoga shorts and a sports bra to get some activity in.

We all know that reaching any big goal or milestone takes tons of little steps and goals. I've set many of these small goals myself--lose 10lbs by such and such date, eat  more vegetables (does that mean one more green bean or ten stalks of celery? lame goal if you ask me--no way to measure it) etc etc. I've been thinking for the past few days about what I want my first goal to be and I've decided.

It's time to break up with the X's.

I've worn clothing with X or XX in it for so long I don't even remember NOT having them in there. Wait, I think briefly in 2006 I was able to get into some size large clothing from Walmart but in my experience their clothing is cut larger, so it was probably an XL in disguise. Even so, I soon went back to having to purchase clothes with the X. I want a permanent separation this time.

So my goal is to be able to go into any store and buy clothing that does not have an X in it. I have no idea how much that is in pounds because it's really going to depend on where I lose the weight and how. More about inches than pounds I suppose.

There are other smaller goals in there but this is my first kinda big one that isn't the one that ends with me losing 50-75lbs.

Breaking up is hard to do.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Accidental Calorie Surplus

Why isn't it calory? Or is it?

Moving on.

Yesterday I really didn't think about what I was eating or not eating. I ate when I was hungry and didn't eat a lot of junk food. I ended up exercising more than anticipated (and um I anticipated none so it was a lot more--539 calories worth) By the time I finished eating my dinner I still had 935 calories left for the day.

There is some controversy over whether or not I sould have eaten my fitness calories. Some said that if I did, it'd stall my weight loss. Some said it didn't matter. I've heard that you have to eat them all when you've set a lower calorie goal in order to lose weight.

I ended up eating about a quarter of them because frankly I just wasn't hungry anymore. My dinner plate was enormous but full of good nutritious food.

It's really hard finding a balance. Some days are like yesterday where I eat but it's not enough. Other days I barely have any food but calories are maxed.

I feel good about the progress I'm making in regards to food and activity. Still have work to do in other areas, including finding a new physician just to get back on track medically.

I'm tip toeing closer to a healthier me.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Sleep Success

I had a professor in grad school who was doing tons of research on the importance of sleep to our health. He was very passionate about it. He was one of my favorite professors, even if not the most reliable.
Before I was pregnant with Baby Bug I was taking Wellbutrin. It was the only medication that helped my depression enough to handle my anxiety and didn't negatively impact my waistline (like that needs any help getting bigger!) or my sex drive (how can someone be happy if they can't enjoy sex?!) It's not safe for pregnancy so I stopped taking it.
I have major depressive disorder. Not just a little situational depression. Full on chemical imbalance, past suicidal thoughts and bouts of believing I was truly insane.
So you can imagine how not being on a medication can be detrimental to me. I went on Zoloft when I was around 4 months pregnant. I hated every second of it but I kept taking it. Around this time I had issues with my insurance and I ran out of meds in between insurances. I missed a week's worth. 
Cue major withdrawals. I had panic attacks like no other for about four days straight. I didn't sleep. It got so bad one night, Batman took me to the ER. They were of no help, told me to do yoga and just close my eyes and lie down, I'd get sleep. Too bad whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible images.
It eventually passed but the only way I could sleep after that was with the television on.
I didn't start the Zoloft again. I haven't been on anything since March 2012. I haven't been able to sleep well without the tv on since then either.
Over the 4th of July we were in a cabin that did not have a tv in the room where we slept. I was able to sleep there with the windows open. I played my iPod to distract me from the noises. When we came home, Batman asked if I still needed the tv on and I said I did.
This week it has been in the 90s and we have one a/c in our house. It's in the living room. So we've all been camped out in here. The tv in the living room has a sleep timer on it and Batman suggested we try it. I agreed. The tv would go off after 2 hours.
Two nights in a row we have tried this. I've woken up when the tv has gone off both nights.
But....I went back to sleep.
I consider this a major victory for me. I was able to talk myself through it and not even come close to a panic attack. I was able to sleep, restful sleep at that (thanks to Baby Bug sleeping 12 hour stretches at night.)
I know that I more than likely need to go back on meds. Now that Baby Bug is not nursing, I am able to request Wellbutrin again (if we can ever get a new doctor.) And today I am seeing my therapist again for the first time in probably 6 months.
This journey isn't only about losing weight and eating healthier, which I'm struggling with majorly, but about being a healthy woman at 35.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Scenario

I have a couple of scenarios I need help with.

Scenario 1:
I have planned a good healthy dinner. For any number of reasons that meal doesn't pan out--the crockpot took longer than I thought, the meat was bad, I forgot to pull out the meat to defrost. I need a replacement meal that's fast because my family is hungry.
The only fast and easy meals I really know are not healthy--fast food, take out or frozen food that can go right in the oven.
What should I have on hand to make a last minute quick and easy but healthy meal?

Scenario 2:
We are out running alllll the errands. We ate breakfast but are out far longer than we thought and we are starving. It's lunch time and we are all reaching the "hangry" point. Easy solution is to go through the fast food drive thru.
What can I do to avoid this situation?

I find that I know what I should be eating and that I should be exercising and all of that jazz. I know WHAT but what I am struggling with is the HOW, particularly when I'm under a lot of stress. I have developed habits to deal with the stress and kind of feel stuck in them.

I have asked my doctor to send me to a nutritionist and he blew me off because he sent me to diabetic education classes years ago. I don't need to know shit about my blood sugar. I know that stuff. I need real life problem solving skills when it comes to food. Shopping lists would be nice.

Maybe there's an app for that.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Whine Whine Whine

"It's hot!"
"I'm too tired!"
"Healthy food costs too much!"
"It's my birthday/Christmas/Thanksgiving/National Pie Eating Day!"
"I have kids!"
"There's not enough time!"

Wah wah wah. I've heard all of these and said all of these. I even tried one already today.  It IS hot. We missed our window this morning for a cooler walk because I was so tired from a busy weekend and slept until 9am. And when I opened the door just 10 minutes ago, I couldn't breathe. 
So we will probably end up playing Kinect in the air conditioned house or going for a walk this evening after dinner.

I am going to take daily progress pictures because frankly I need the visual reminder of why I'm doing this. I won't post all of them here because that would get boring and redundant, except for those of you who want to see me in my granny panties.  But I will take them every day because when I saw these last night, I wanted to cry.

How do I not see this when I look in the mirror? Thankfully my Batman loves me and tells me I'm beautiful every day. I know that beauty is not simply surface and that just because I am at an unhealthy weight does not mean I'm not beautiful. But damn it's hard for me to put that word to the images in these photographs.

I can't wait to see what I look like on day 365.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Picture

You know what I'm talking about. That picture that you see and you wonder "Is that actually what I look like?" Especially if you have a weight problem. Or an age problem (is it really a problem though? You're alive still!)
Recently we went on a vacation with my husband's family (my family right!) My mother in law, bless her heart, loves to snap pictures but she cannot get a flattering angle even on her selfies. So imagine my dismay when she posted this picture to her facebook page, with the sweetest of captions:
"Young love hand in hand. Love it! So sweet! I will show this at their 50th wedding anniversary!"
Thankfully she didn't tag me in it.

All I can see is shamu emerging from the deep. I don't look like THAT in a bathing suit do I?
But I do. I realize you can't actually see much here, but the point is that *I* can see it and I really really don't like it. It doesn't match what I feel. Well okay sometimes it does. I should point out that this was right before my period and ladies we all know how we feel during that PMS week. But that's not 75lbs of extra water I'm carrying there.  Let's be real.
Today is my 34th birthday. I am easily 75lbs overweight. I am diabetic, uncontrolled, and asthmatic. I woke up to the sweet smiling face of my youngest daughter, Baby Bug and snuggled up next to my Batman. My oldest daughter, Monkey, is spending the night with Nana and Papa. I'm so lucky!!
And you know what? I want to be alive at 35. I want to wake up again next year to my sweet babies and loving husband.
At the rate I am going, I'm not sure I'll make it.
So I am going to commit to taking care of myself. Like the dozens of times before right? But this time, I really am scared I won't be alive for my next birthday if I don't make a change. I'm not healthy in many ways--physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.
I am not sure how I got here and I'm not sure how I am going to get there, but I do know that I will find the way.
So today is day one of the rest of my life.  Well the next year of my life at least. I certainly hope that I can make it through the next 365 days of accountability. Right here in this blog. Daily posts and pictures. I don't even know if anyone will find this blog or want to read it.  But it's here so that I will be here in one year.
Alive at 35.