Saturday, November 30, 2013

I Fell Off the Wagon

I haven't been here in almost a month.
I've been neglecting a lot of things in regards to my health. I'm still exercising at derby practice. I'm still trying to use portion control. The convenience foods have made more appearances at our house. It's caused more problems than just health too.
I'm ready to get back to it. Tomorrow I will track my food again and try to avoid fast food.
I need some support and motivation though.
Help me out!

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Feel the Fear

I've talked about this concept a few times.  I think it's because most of what we can't do is all in our heads. Our bodies are amazing and capable creations.  If you REALLY stop and think about everything that's going on to keep you alive, and you don't even have to try, it is truly awesome. 
I've been trying to apply this concept of "Feel the fear and do it anyway" to many areas of my life. I initially turned down a job interview last week and then panicked when I realized I actually wanted to give it a shot.  I was afraid of sounding stupid on the phone when I called back and said "Oh by the way I changed my mind." But....I did it anyway. And it was fine. The lady was very nice, the interview went well and I learned a lot. I did not get the job but I have NO REGRETS. If I wouldn't have called back I would have been questioning whether I'd made the right decision.  I'm okay with not getting that job though as something is pulling me toward the one I've already been offered.  No regrets.
Tonight was derby practice. I find myself needing to write in here on these nights, as I've mentioned before, because I either hit a wall or break through one.  Tonight I broke through a MAJOR wall that's been up since I started roller derby in 2010. 
I have never been able to conquer my fear of jumping on skates. That's right, both feet in the air and then landing on my feet.  My feet that have wheels attached to them.  I always pictured myself flying out of control and falling, impaling myself on the cone we were jumping over (I mean really, it's a freaking rubber/plastic cone, my subconscious is slightly dramatic)
I heard before practice that we were going to be working on this skill tonight but I tried not to dwell on it. I figured I would either try it or I wouldn't but worrying about it beforehand wouldn't help.  We started with a few things that I know how to do well and I think that built up my confidence.  After we did those drills I was invited to join the "big girls" and do endurance training. I did that and it wiped me out. That was tough stuff.  I decided to rejoin the group of freshies and work on individual skills.We did some transitions and then moved quickly to the jumping. 
I started out petrified. I can' t lie. I stood back and watched the other girls doing it, even ones who were newer than me.  They were jumping over a little board that was 6 inches high.  They brought out a little pool noodle so I started by jumping one foot at a time over that.  Then I moved to jumping both feet over it.  I finally worked up the nerve to jump with both feet over that little board.
And I did it.
On the first try.
Without falling.
I may or may not have wanted to do a little touchdown dance at the end.  I refrained but I did shout "woohoo!"
I am insanely proud of myself. I was really scared to do that jump. But I let that fear sit there and I appreciated it for what it was. 
And then I did it anyway.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Turn The Other Way!

Ahhh finally--made it back to derby practice after almost two weeks! Schedule conflicts and personal issues kept me from going to the last couple of practices. I was dreading it today because I.....didn't want to work? Who knows. Self-sabotage I'm sure.  But I went!

We are still working on skills for our test coming up in a few weeks. There are still lots of things I have to work on and I really doubt my ability to be ready to pass the test in that short amount of time. 

I'm okay with that.

I've only been back to derby for 2.5 months and SO much has been added or changed on the skills test.  I have to remind myself how far I have come in a short amount of time but also that I took almost two years off of skating, so it may take half that long for everything to come back at a sustainable level.

We did some group practice but the last half of practice we were allowed to work individually on whatever we felt we needed to.  I spent some time on some knee slides but the repetitive knee to floor action was starting to become painful, despite the heavy pads.  So I switched to transitions (how you go from skating forward to skating backward.) I am able to do this fairly well but need to work on speed. However, I am really only skilled at doing it in one direction and you have to be able to turn both ways for the skills test.

When I first started trying to turn the opposite way from what I am used to, it was a major struggle.  I found myself getting really frustrated and wanting to give up on it. But I took a couple of small breaks and changed my inner monologue.  Instead of telling myself that it was pointless, that I just couldn't do it, I told myself to just keep trying.  And I did keep trying.  While I can't really do it moving quickly, by the end of practice I was doing 360s in both directions.  When I started the night I couldn't even do a 180 to the right. 

I am very proud of myself.  I think my experience in derby is representative of a lot of things in my life. I've often hit bumps on this little journey of mine, telling myself I could only do something one way and would never be able to do it differently. 

Turns out I just needed to teach myself how to turn the other way.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Buffets are Battlegrounds

I have good news--I've lost another few pounds. I am not officially recording any weight losses until I see the number more than once on the scale, on different days. I keep gaining and losing the same 4-5lbs and I am determined to be down into Onederland by January 1st.

Tonight we went to a buffet. We haven't gone out to eat much at all lately but we came into some money and decided to treat ourselves. We went out twice today really but one was out of necessity since we had to drive quite a ways to get the money.  Anyway I am pround to say at the first place I had a blackbean veggie burger and a green salad. 

The buffet was a bit tricky though. I first filled up a plate with a huge salad with lots of veggies and only a couple of croutons and bacon bits. I'm not much of a salad dressing person so I rarely worry about that. I just drizzled on a little bit. After the salad I drank a whole glass of water and then made a very small plate. I made myself eat it slowly and then I had another even smaller plate. And only one dessert. I started to eat two but then I decided I was too full and it wasn't worth it.

Batman ate too much and was miserable though so I don't think we'll be going back to a buffet anytime soon. It's just really not worth it and Batman can't say no to ice cream and cereal together.

Friday, October 25, 2013

You Don't Belong

It's been a week almost since I've written.
I've wanted to write more and I really need to write more. I think I will schedule three nights per week to write.  Two of those are usually derby practice nights because I hit walls and break through them when I'm on skates.
This week I happened to hit a wall.
We had a shortened practice and decided to work on basic skills since our season is over for the year. We started with some knee slides and went directly into time trials. I admit I wasn't warmed up and I was not feeling well. My asthma has been acting up terribly and I was having difficulty breathing even after a five minute break while the first group of girls did their time trials. I was prepared not to do as well as I did last time and that was probably my first mistake.

Last time I skated 28.75 laps in 5 minutes. The most I've ever skated the whole time I've done derby.  I was proud and a little shocked that I did so well.  So this night I told myself just to make it to 27 and I'd be happy.  As I was skating I felt weak and slow.  My legs were shaky and my head was spinning and my lungs were on fire. I never stopped moving and I did not fall.  

When I finished I asked my counter how many laps I'd done. 23.5.  That's it. I was pissed off. At myself. At my skates. At my lungs. At the world. I sat down to try and catch my breath, brushing off the compliments coming in from the rest of the team for my tenacity and perseverance. I am sad to admit that I never got back out on the floor that night.  I ended up taking off my skates, packing up my stuff and leaving.

I felt so defeated.

I'm not sure if I really lost 5 laps or if the last time it was miscounted and I never ACTUALLY skated over 28 laps. Either way I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Or the face.  Or something equally painful.

I came home and avoided talking to anyone. I went to the shower and I let a few tears shed. I had posted a status saying "I don't know who I thought I was kidding" and said that I was "destined to be fat and slow forever."

Batman finally got it out of me and I cried to him.

I am tired of trying and not succeeding. I am tired of wanting something SO bad and not being able to really work toward it. I'm tired of not knowing what is really holding me back. I'm tired of trying to figure out what to eat and what not to eat on a continual basis. I feel like I should know this stuff and I should be further along than I am. The scale has moved in the wrong direction--muscle mass I can now see since I'm not in the defeated blind stupor I was in that night (hello  my pants are all still falling off me, clearly I'm not gaining fat back.) I just feel....STUCK.
True I have only been on this journey for three months but in all honesty this battle is one I have been fighting for many years. I don't want it to be a battle anymore. Why do I have to FIGHT to take care of myself? Obviously not reaching those laps was symbolic of so much more that I feel I'm not reaching. I have a few more months to lose 10lbs and I really don't know how to do it.
Insert temper tantrum here--I do not want to eat fucking vegetables all the time. Confession: I don't like them that much. I used to like them, when I could choose to eat them because I wanted to and not because I want to lose weight or skate faster or have a lower blood sugar number. I get tired of cutting them up and thinking of ways to make them taste like NOT vegetables.
On my way home from derby that night I fought a lot of urgest to stop and get fast food. Why not just eat what I want, when I want? I'm going to die anyway right? Deep down I know I don't want to live the rest of my life being unhealthy. But damn I don't want to live the rest of my life counting calories either you know?
After I have had a few days to consider what happened at practice and what's going on with me, I am not feeling quite as discouraged. I know that my expectations of myself may be a little unrealistic. I've always been the hardest on myself.
I have to stop telling myself that I am not athletic, that I will never be thinner or healthier, that I will never be able to pass my skills test.  I have to rephrase and reframe those thoughts. And it's going to be tiring and it's going to piss me off having to concentrate like that for awhile. But eventually I'm hoping that I will be able to work through that and realize that I am all of those things if I want to be.
I do belong in roller derby, in smaller clothes, in a healthier place. Right? 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Cost Conversation

I'm out driving around running errands. It's quickly approaching a meal time, usually lunch but sometimes breakfast if I ran out of the house in a hurry (what mother doesn't feel that way most mornings?)
It's at this time that I have the Cost Conversation with myself.
I've never been a person with a lot of money. I used to have more disposable income than I do right now but when I think about how I could have been saving all of that money it makes me kinda faint. Anyway...
The Dollar Menu, Extra Value Menu, Value Menu, etc....
When I am having the Cost Conversation it usually starts right there.  I mentally calculate how much  money I have in cash or in the bank.  Then I weigh that against how hungry I actually am.  Usually I'm starving so a couple of dollars for a burrito, some chips and a drink sounds like a fantastic deal.
Over the course of the last several years though I've started factoring calories, carbs and fat into the Cost Conversation.
Sure $2.29 is a good deal, financially speaking on an immediate level.
But what is that 410 calories from the burrito and the extra 200 calories from the chips doing to my body? How many carbs am I consuming at one time? How much fat? How many hours of skating or walking or dancing am I going to have to do to work this off?
It becomes a little scenario of the devil vs angel type thing going on at that point.  The devil is telling me I'm hungry, that it's only a couple of bucks, it's only THIS one time, etc. The angel is trying to convince me that it's only a couple of bucks now but how many doctor visits and prescriptions will I have to pay for, how much damage am I doing to my kidneys/pancrease/heart with each bite and so on.
I'm not going to lie---the devil wins out a lot.  Fast, cheap and easy.  That's what everyone likes right?
Well if you stop to think about it, it's about as appealing in food as it is in sexual partners.  You get immediate gratification but you're left with a bunch of crap you don't want to deal with.
Yes I know that there are healthier options out there but let's be honest, the fast food companies jack up of the prices of a lot of those things in order to compensate for the cheapness of the rest of the crap. 
And it takes planning--which I can't do if my stomach is growling and I'm driving a stick shift in stop and go traffic in a construction zone. 
I have to pat myself on the back for basically getting out of the breakfast habit. I'd say I've gone out for a fast food breakfast once in the last four months? Lunch is a little more of a struggle though.
What are some ideas of stuff I can carry that will fill me up, is easy to eat with one hand, and can store well in the car?
I'm counting on you to help  the angel win the Cost Conversation next time!

Monday, October 14, 2013

Commitment Issues?

I am really glad my actual commitment to this health journey is better than my commitment to this blog.
I can't believe we are two weeks into October and this is only my 5th entry. 
As I posted before, I'm really working at making changes that are going to stick.  I'm having some struggles with baking--because I recently discovered that I CAN bake despite what I thought in the past--so I recognize that the holiday season will be a challenge for me in many ways. 
I am still determined to make good choices most of the time. Even on days when I eat a lot of things, I don't eat ALL the things that I would have in the past. I wish that I would have been tracking calories before, when I was eating tons of fast food and processed food. On second thought, I probably don't want to know what those numbers were.
Most days my calories are below 1800.  The most I've logged has been 2200 but those are on roller derby days. I'd like to get that down to 1800 as well.  On those days though I net well under 1600 though so I'm not sure that'd be a great idea.
Activity level has been pretty decent actually. I've gotten a few walks in, plus the roller derby workouts.  I'd like to walk more I'm just getting a little bored going around our neighborhood.  I have to take breaks. I went to a park last week with some friends and we walked a bit. I may head out there tomorrow and walk alone. It's kind of a drive but hey I have to invest in my health.
I think I mentioned before that I received some free products from to review. I've been using this really awesome BB+ cream from Pond's and I've seen an awesome improvement in my skin, especially since I've been spending a lot more time outside and it has SPF in it. My skin was something I was feeling kind of self-conscious about because I really wasn't able to afford products the way I have in the past. I'm glad to see it improving.
I've been needing to spend some time working on my mental health. There is a situation going on with a photographer who hasn't given us some photos we paid for a long time ago. Unfortunately I let this situation get to me and I turn into a person I don't like. The good part of that is the day after I become that person, I take time to unplug and focus on what's really important in my life--my family.  I wish that I could get that message into my head without having to deal with the negativity first, but I am working on it.  We had a wonderful weekend outdoors, hitting up a playground, taking walks, going to the apple orchard and another playground, carving pumpkins, grilling out in our backyard.  It was fabulous.  Even the pumpkins were happy about it:
This one was carved by yours truly. 
I felt completely relaxed and rested after the weekend.  Too bad Baby Bug didn't let us sleep and recover. But I'm heading that way now.
PS--Today marks 3 months since I started this journey! Thanks for supporting me along the way! <3