Friday, October 25, 2013

You Don't Belong

It's been a week almost since I've written.
I've wanted to write more and I really need to write more. I think I will schedule three nights per week to write.  Two of those are usually derby practice nights because I hit walls and break through them when I'm on skates.
This week I happened to hit a wall.
We had a shortened practice and decided to work on basic skills since our season is over for the year. We started with some knee slides and went directly into time trials. I admit I wasn't warmed up and I was not feeling well. My asthma has been acting up terribly and I was having difficulty breathing even after a five minute break while the first group of girls did their time trials. I was prepared not to do as well as I did last time and that was probably my first mistake.

Last time I skated 28.75 laps in 5 minutes. The most I've ever skated the whole time I've done derby.  I was proud and a little shocked that I did so well.  So this night I told myself just to make it to 27 and I'd be happy.  As I was skating I felt weak and slow.  My legs were shaky and my head was spinning and my lungs were on fire. I never stopped moving and I did not fall.  

When I finished I asked my counter how many laps I'd done. 23.5.  That's it. I was pissed off. At myself. At my skates. At my lungs. At the world. I sat down to try and catch my breath, brushing off the compliments coming in from the rest of the team for my tenacity and perseverance. I am sad to admit that I never got back out on the floor that night.  I ended up taking off my skates, packing up my stuff and leaving.

I felt so defeated.

I'm not sure if I really lost 5 laps or if the last time it was miscounted and I never ACTUALLY skated over 28 laps. Either way I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Or the face.  Or something equally painful.

I came home and avoided talking to anyone. I went to the shower and I let a few tears shed. I had posted a status saying "I don't know who I thought I was kidding" and said that I was "destined to be fat and slow forever."

Batman finally got it out of me and I cried to him.

I am tired of trying and not succeeding. I am tired of wanting something SO bad and not being able to really work toward it. I'm tired of not knowing what is really holding me back. I'm tired of trying to figure out what to eat and what not to eat on a continual basis. I feel like I should know this stuff and I should be further along than I am. The scale has moved in the wrong direction--muscle mass I can now see since I'm not in the defeated blind stupor I was in that night (hello  my pants are all still falling off me, clearly I'm not gaining fat back.) I just feel....STUCK.
True I have only been on this journey for three months but in all honesty this battle is one I have been fighting for many years. I don't want it to be a battle anymore. Why do I have to FIGHT to take care of myself? Obviously not reaching those laps was symbolic of so much more that I feel I'm not reaching. I have a few more months to lose 10lbs and I really don't know how to do it.
Insert temper tantrum here--I do not want to eat fucking vegetables all the time. Confession: I don't like them that much. I used to like them, when I could choose to eat them because I wanted to and not because I want to lose weight or skate faster or have a lower blood sugar number. I get tired of cutting them up and thinking of ways to make them taste like NOT vegetables.
On my way home from derby that night I fought a lot of urgest to stop and get fast food. Why not just eat what I want, when I want? I'm going to die anyway right? Deep down I know I don't want to live the rest of my life being unhealthy. But damn I don't want to live the rest of my life counting calories either you know?
After I have had a few days to consider what happened at practice and what's going on with me, I am not feeling quite as discouraged. I know that my expectations of myself may be a little unrealistic. I've always been the hardest on myself.
I have to stop telling myself that I am not athletic, that I will never be thinner or healthier, that I will never be able to pass my skills test.  I have to rephrase and reframe those thoughts. And it's going to be tiring and it's going to piss me off having to concentrate like that for awhile. But eventually I'm hoping that I will be able to work through that and realize that I am all of those things if I want to be.
I do belong in roller derby, in smaller clothes, in a healthier place. Right? 

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