When I first started this blog I posted a picture of my husband and myself emerging from the water after a swim in the lake in Tawas. It was that picture that inspired this whole adventure.
I did not know I looked like that.
I find this strange sometimes because I'll be watching something and see a really large woman and think I must look like she does when she's eating or naked or running. I'm talking HUGE woman here though. Women who easily would be able to get on The Biggest Loser or Extreme Weight Loss.
I've heard of body dysmorphic disorder before. I hear about it a lot with people who have lost significant's amounts of weight or even women who never were heavy but suffer from anorexia or bulimia.
DefinitionBy Mayo Clinic staff
Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone.
When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. Your perceived flaw causes you significant distress, and your obsession impacts your ability to function in your daily life. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures or excessively exercise to try to "fix" your perceived flaw, but you're never satisfied. Body dysmorphic disorder is also known as dysmorphophobia, the fear of having a deformity.
So I haven't approached that level of obsession. But I wonder if I will ever see myself as thin? Even if I drop another 50lbs, I wonder if I'll always feel like the fat girl and always think I have to do something about it.
For awhile I worked very hard at not focusing on my appearance because of my daughter. From the time she was 2 until last year I really didn't talk badly about my body. I never used the word fat in front of her and we have talked numerous times about how bodies come in different shapes and sizes and healthy is more important than size.
After having my youngest child though I was suffering from PPD and was very discouraged by my appearance. It took me awhile to get down to my prepregnancy weight but even after that, everyone who has had a child knows that your body becomes shaped differently. My hips are wider and after being inactive for a year, my legs were jiggly and my butt was jiggly where all had been firm thanks to roller derby. I began making comments and becoming distressed about things that just do not matter.
That's right. They don't matter.
My husband loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy and he always will.
So I guess it doesn't matter if I ever see myself as a skinny person. Maybe I never will be. But I know that I will be healthy.