So tonight we did yet another time trial at derby practice. We have to skate 27 laps around a regulation track within 5 minutes in order to pass our basic skills test.
When I started back up I did 24 1/2 laps in 5 minutes, the first night back after two years off. A month later I did 27 laps in 5:49 (so roughly the same.)
Tonight, by some miracle, I not only surpassed that number but I outskated all of the other new girls who were there.
I added 4 1/4 laps to my own time, doing 28 3/4 laps in 5 minutes.
I hugged some teammates after that.
I am so PROUD of myself. I have been working hard at getting my body healthier. During our endurance training tonight I kept saying to myself "How badly do you want this? Don't give up.One more lap. One more lap."
That's before I knew we were doing time trials tonight.
I started to doubt my ability but I stopped myself. I told myself my body was strong and I could finish. I just needed to shave off 49 seconds. I told myself that even if I shaved off half, I would be proud.
I exceeded my own expectations.
How's THAT for motivation??
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Perception
I've been thinking a lot about body image recently.
When I first started this blog I posted a picture of my husband and myself emerging from the water after a swim in the lake in Tawas. It was that picture that inspired this whole adventure.
I did not know I looked like that.
I find this strange sometimes because I'll be watching something and see a really large woman and think I must look like she does when she's eating or naked or running. I'm talking HUGE woman here though. Women who easily would be able to get on The Biggest Loser or Extreme Weight Loss.
I've heard of body dysmorphic disorder before. I hear about it a lot with people who have lost significant's amounts of weight or even women who never were heavy but suffer from anorexia or bulimia.
Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone.
When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. Your perceived flaw causes you significant distress, and your obsession impacts your ability to function in your daily life. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures or excessively exercise to try to "fix" your perceived flaw, but you're never satisfied. Body dysmorphic disorder is also known as dysmorphophobia, the fear of having a deformity.
So I haven't approached that level of obsession. But I wonder if I will ever see myself as thin? Even if I drop another 50lbs, I wonder if I'll always feel like the fat girl and always think I have to do something about it.
For awhile I worked very hard at not focusing on my appearance because of my daughter. From the time she was 2 until last year I really didn't talk badly about my body. I never used the word fat in front of her and we have talked numerous times about how bodies come in different shapes and sizes and healthy is more important than size.
After having my youngest child though I was suffering from PPD and was very discouraged by my appearance. It took me awhile to get down to my prepregnancy weight but even after that, everyone who has had a child knows that your body becomes shaped differently. My hips are wider and after being inactive for a year, my legs were jiggly and my butt was jiggly where all had been firm thanks to roller derby. I began making comments and becoming distressed about things that just do not matter.
That's right. They don't matter.
My husband loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy and he always will.
So I guess it doesn't matter if I ever see myself as a skinny person. Maybe I never will be. But I know that I will be healthy.
When I first started this blog I posted a picture of my husband and myself emerging from the water after a swim in the lake in Tawas. It was that picture that inspired this whole adventure.
I did not know I looked like that.
I find this strange sometimes because I'll be watching something and see a really large woman and think I must look like she does when she's eating or naked or running. I'm talking HUGE woman here though. Women who easily would be able to get on The Biggest Loser or Extreme Weight Loss.
I've heard of body dysmorphic disorder before. I hear about it a lot with people who have lost significant's amounts of weight or even women who never were heavy but suffer from anorexia or bulimia.
Definition
By Mayo Clinic staffBody dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw in your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don't want to be seen by anyone.
When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. Your perceived flaw causes you significant distress, and your obsession impacts your ability to function in your daily life. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures or excessively exercise to try to "fix" your perceived flaw, but you're never satisfied. Body dysmorphic disorder is also known as dysmorphophobia, the fear of having a deformity.
So I haven't approached that level of obsession. But I wonder if I will ever see myself as thin? Even if I drop another 50lbs, I wonder if I'll always feel like the fat girl and always think I have to do something about it.
For awhile I worked very hard at not focusing on my appearance because of my daughter. From the time she was 2 until last year I really didn't talk badly about my body. I never used the word fat in front of her and we have talked numerous times about how bodies come in different shapes and sizes and healthy is more important than size.
After having my youngest child though I was suffering from PPD and was very discouraged by my appearance. It took me awhile to get down to my prepregnancy weight but even after that, everyone who has had a child knows that your body becomes shaped differently. My hips are wider and after being inactive for a year, my legs were jiggly and my butt was jiggly where all had been firm thanks to roller derby. I began making comments and becoming distressed about things that just do not matter.
That's right. They don't matter.
My husband loves me and thinks I'm gorgeous and sexy and he always will.
So I guess it doesn't matter if I ever see myself as a skinny person. Maybe I never will be. But I know that I will be healthy.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Slow and Steady Wins the Race
I have to admit I've been tempted. I've been tempted to try and amp up my "dieting" and do tons more exercise so I can see some pounds melt off.
I'm feeling good. People are noticing my weight loss. The size of my clothes is creeping down (I bought a shirt at Salvation Army without an X in the size!) The number on the scale is creeping back down.
But really, I want this to be a lasting thing.
I want that weight gone forever.
And I know if I try to take it all off really fast, that's not sustainable for me. Right now I may be able to work out every day for an hour or two (if I do it during naptime!) but when I go back to work I can't. I may be able to eat only 1200 calories for a short while but that's not everlasting. Eventually I'll want to eat more food again.
So I'm going about this with the goal of making the changes stick. I'm slowly changing bad habits into good ones. I'm slowly redefining normal activity for myself. I'm slowly replacing bad foods with good ones.
You know what they say. Slow and steady wins the race!
PS--I promised a body image entry awhile back, before my shocking doctor visit. That entry WILL be posted tomorrow night, I promise! No really...I promise.
I'm feeling good. People are noticing my weight loss. The size of my clothes is creeping down (I bought a shirt at Salvation Army without an X in the size!) The number on the scale is creeping back down.
But really, I want this to be a lasting thing.
I want that weight gone forever.
And I know if I try to take it all off really fast, that's not sustainable for me. Right now I may be able to work out every day for an hour or two (if I do it during naptime!) but when I go back to work I can't. I may be able to eat only 1200 calories for a short while but that's not everlasting. Eventually I'll want to eat more food again.
So I'm going about this with the goal of making the changes stick. I'm slowly changing bad habits into good ones. I'm slowly redefining normal activity for myself. I'm slowly replacing bad foods with good ones.
You know what they say. Slow and steady wins the race!
PS--I promised a body image entry awhile back, before my shocking doctor visit. That entry WILL be posted tomorrow night, I promise! No really...I promise.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Seeing The Benefits
The nurse called from my doctor's office today. They received the results of my bloodwork. I was prepared for them to tell me I needed to go to the hospital to bring my blood sugars down to a safe level.
I was pleasantly surprised when the number was actually decent.
I referenced a test called hba1c. That's where they draw your blood and check the average of what your blood sugar has been running over the last few months. For you nerd types, this link to Medline will explain the test. It also explains the results. I'll copy and paste that part:
An HbA1c of 5.6% or less is normal.
The following are the results when the HbA1c is being used to diagnose diabetes:
So my last one taken in March was somewhere between 9 and 11. I can't recall exactly. I think it was in the 9 range. My best one ever was 5.6% a few years ago when I was much healthier. The number given to me today was 7.8%
I think I about fell out of my chair. I am sure the doctor probably did too.
I haven't taken any medication in quite some time so the decrease in that number from March until now was done purely by changing diet and exercise.
It's good to see results like that. Sometimes you wonder if what you're doing is paying off at all really.
It is. Keep going.
I was pleasantly surprised when the number was actually decent.
I referenced a test called hba1c. That's where they draw your blood and check the average of what your blood sugar has been running over the last few months. For you nerd types, this link to Medline will explain the test. It also explains the results. I'll copy and paste that part:
An HbA1c of 5.6% or less is normal.
The following are the results when the HbA1c is being used to diagnose diabetes:
- Normal: Less than 5.7%
- Pre-diabetes: 5.7% to 6.4%
- Diabetes: 6.5% or higher
So my last one taken in March was somewhere between 9 and 11. I can't recall exactly. I think it was in the 9 range. My best one ever was 5.6% a few years ago when I was much healthier. The number given to me today was 7.8%
I think I about fell out of my chair. I am sure the doctor probably did too.
I haven't taken any medication in quite some time so the decrease in that number from March until now was done purely by changing diet and exercise.
It's good to see results like that. Sometimes you wonder if what you're doing is paying off at all really.
It is. Keep going.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Slow Damage
I was diagnosed Type II diabetic when I was 22 years old.
I weighed 45lbs more than I do right now.
My diet consisted of primarily fast food, Chinese takeout, pizza and the occasional home cooked dinner loaded with fat and carbs. Lots of pop and desserts every single night--usually more than one.
One night after our weekly tradition of Thursday night pizza, I was having a particularly rough time breathing. My ex-husband took me to the ER for asthma and I ended up finding out that I was diabetic. My blood sugar was 437.
I won't bore you with details about what blood sugar levels should be and what can happen if your blood sugar is 437. But suffice it to say, I really shouldn't have been upright at that point.
I suppose I wasn't. I was in the hospital for a couple of days.
Over the years I've learned a lot about having diabetes. I've gone to diabetic education classes, met with my fair share of nutritionists and nurses and I've been on medication for the better part of the last 12 years.
Last year was devestating for us in many ways and depression took hold. When I get into a depression I don't take care of myself. I eat like crap, I don't take my meds, I don't exercise.
Basically I am committing slow suicide.
Today was my first doctor's appointment with our new physician. I knew that the prognosis wouldn't be pretty when I walked in there. I've been kind of keeping track of my blood sugars for the past month, thanks to my parents for giving me an extra glucometer since my old dipshit of a doctor couldn't manage to get me one. The readings have been really elevated.
They do lots of tests to check out the elevated blood sugar is affecting your body. They can do a finger poke to see what the glucose level is in your blood (which is how they found the 437 I mentioned above) They can do a blood draw to see what levels your blood glucose has been sitting at for the past 3 months--this is called an hga1c--but that takes awhile to get back. They also can do a urine dip. That's what they chose to do for me today. I've actually never had anyone explain to me what levels of glucose in urine should be.
Turns out there shouldn't be any. Hmmm. A person with elevated blood sugars may have 25 or 50 and still be okay. Alarms start going off for them in the 300-500 range. 750 they get really worried.
Mine was over 1,000. ONE THOUSAND. She told me that if I had any ketones (I like mayoclinic.com for my medical info, read about diabetic ketoacidosis here) in my urine, she would have sent me to the emergency room and I would have had a fun-filled stay at the hospital. She actually said to me "I don't even know how you're functioning right now."
There are numerous other complications that can happen with elevated blood sugar levels but I think I'll just put those to the side for right now because my anxiety is already high.
I am devastated that I have done this much damage to my body. That I couldn't resist this unhealthy food and I ignored all the warnings from my doctors before.
You see, you don't really feel the full effects of the damage at an early stage. It's a longterm effect sort of thing. Yes you can feel fatigue and lethargy right away, but geeze, what mother doesn't feel that all the time?
Oh right, healthy ones.
She has a short term plan to get this under control while we work on a longer term plan. I'll take a medication that I can't take long term because it overworks the pancreas. I was on this medication for many years and no one ever explained it to me. She told me that it's very likely that my pancrease can't even produce insulin anymore. She is putting me on it just to bring my sugars down and then we'll switch to something better. I will likely end up on injectable diabetic medications, insulin or otherwise.
Because I loved pizza and ice cream and brownies and french fries more than I loved myself.
I went to the grocery store afterwards to get my medications and a couple of food items. I was standing in line in front of a small family--mother, father, little girl who was probably about 4. She was clutching a box of popsicles to her chest. I heard her dad tell her that she had to eat "chicken nuggets or ravioli--you're not just having popsicles tonight!" I glanced back at their small grocery order--lunchables, canned ravioli, bagged chicken nuggets, and popsicles.
I couldn't help it, a tear slipped out.
This food is so DAMAGING to our bodies and yet we continue to eat it. We give it to our children. I am somewhere between sad and angry now.
I am in no way blaming others for what I have done to myself. But I do recognize that I didn't get here alone. Our society makes being healthy something trendy rather than something normal. It makes it seem so out of reach for those of us who don't have a lot of money. They make the bad for you foods more appealing to children. They make them cheaper. They make it easier.
I know that I chose to put that food in my mouth. Anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder of any kind knows that the choice isn't always that simple though.
I came home and explained to my family that my body is not healthy and that we simply CANNOT have this junk food anymore. It's not a treat. It's poison. You don't treat yourself to a sip of antifreeze. You don't treat yourself to a syringe full of gasoline. You don't treat yourself to a spoonful of rat poison.
Stop "treating yourself" to kidney damage and heart disease and obesity.
I can't do this to myself anymore. I'm scared that I will keep doing it though because it's what I know.
I need help. I need accountability. I need ideas on what I can actually eat because it really feels like slim pickings right now (I can only eat so much salad, chicken breast and green beans....)
Mostly I need reminders to love myself and to take care of my body and to show my daughters how to do it as well. I do not want them to end up where I am because I decided to show them my love through cupcakes and ice cream.
They deserve better. And so do I.
I weighed 45lbs more than I do right now.
My diet consisted of primarily fast food, Chinese takeout, pizza and the occasional home cooked dinner loaded with fat and carbs. Lots of pop and desserts every single night--usually more than one.
One night after our weekly tradition of Thursday night pizza, I was having a particularly rough time breathing. My ex-husband took me to the ER for asthma and I ended up finding out that I was diabetic. My blood sugar was 437.
I won't bore you with details about what blood sugar levels should be and what can happen if your blood sugar is 437. But suffice it to say, I really shouldn't have been upright at that point.
I suppose I wasn't. I was in the hospital for a couple of days.
Over the years I've learned a lot about having diabetes. I've gone to diabetic education classes, met with my fair share of nutritionists and nurses and I've been on medication for the better part of the last 12 years.
Last year was devestating for us in many ways and depression took hold. When I get into a depression I don't take care of myself. I eat like crap, I don't take my meds, I don't exercise.
Basically I am committing slow suicide.
Today was my first doctor's appointment with our new physician. I knew that the prognosis wouldn't be pretty when I walked in there. I've been kind of keeping track of my blood sugars for the past month, thanks to my parents for giving me an extra glucometer since my old dipshit of a doctor couldn't manage to get me one. The readings have been really elevated.
They do lots of tests to check out the elevated blood sugar is affecting your body. They can do a finger poke to see what the glucose level is in your blood (which is how they found the 437 I mentioned above) They can do a blood draw to see what levels your blood glucose has been sitting at for the past 3 months--this is called an hga1c--but that takes awhile to get back. They also can do a urine dip. That's what they chose to do for me today. I've actually never had anyone explain to me what levels of glucose in urine should be.
Turns out there shouldn't be any. Hmmm. A person with elevated blood sugars may have 25 or 50 and still be okay. Alarms start going off for them in the 300-500 range. 750 they get really worried.
Mine was over 1,000. ONE THOUSAND. She told me that if I had any ketones (I like mayoclinic.com for my medical info, read about diabetic ketoacidosis here) in my urine, she would have sent me to the emergency room and I would have had a fun-filled stay at the hospital. She actually said to me "I don't even know how you're functioning right now."
There are numerous other complications that can happen with elevated blood sugar levels but I think I'll just put those to the side for right now because my anxiety is already high.
I am devastated that I have done this much damage to my body. That I couldn't resist this unhealthy food and I ignored all the warnings from my doctors before.
You see, you don't really feel the full effects of the damage at an early stage. It's a longterm effect sort of thing. Yes you can feel fatigue and lethargy right away, but geeze, what mother doesn't feel that all the time?
Oh right, healthy ones.
She has a short term plan to get this under control while we work on a longer term plan. I'll take a medication that I can't take long term because it overworks the pancreas. I was on this medication for many years and no one ever explained it to me. She told me that it's very likely that my pancrease can't even produce insulin anymore. She is putting me on it just to bring my sugars down and then we'll switch to something better. I will likely end up on injectable diabetic medications, insulin or otherwise.
Because I loved pizza and ice cream and brownies and french fries more than I loved myself.
I went to the grocery store afterwards to get my medications and a couple of food items. I was standing in line in front of a small family--mother, father, little girl who was probably about 4. She was clutching a box of popsicles to her chest. I heard her dad tell her that she had to eat "chicken nuggets or ravioli--you're not just having popsicles tonight!" I glanced back at their small grocery order--lunchables, canned ravioli, bagged chicken nuggets, and popsicles.
I couldn't help it, a tear slipped out.
This food is so DAMAGING to our bodies and yet we continue to eat it. We give it to our children. I am somewhere between sad and angry now.
I am in no way blaming others for what I have done to myself. But I do recognize that I didn't get here alone. Our society makes being healthy something trendy rather than something normal. It makes it seem so out of reach for those of us who don't have a lot of money. They make the bad for you foods more appealing to children. They make them cheaper. They make it easier.
I know that I chose to put that food in my mouth. Anyone who has struggled with an eating disorder of any kind knows that the choice isn't always that simple though.
I came home and explained to my family that my body is not healthy and that we simply CANNOT have this junk food anymore. It's not a treat. It's poison. You don't treat yourself to a sip of antifreeze. You don't treat yourself to a syringe full of gasoline. You don't treat yourself to a spoonful of rat poison.
Stop "treating yourself" to kidney damage and heart disease and obesity.
I can't do this to myself anymore. I'm scared that I will keep doing it though because it's what I know.
I need help. I need accountability. I need ideas on what I can actually eat because it really feels like slim pickings right now (I can only eat so much salad, chicken breast and green beans....)
Mostly I need reminders to love myself and to take care of my body and to show my daughters how to do it as well. I do not want them to end up where I am because I decided to show them my love through cupcakes and ice cream.
They deserve better. And so do I.
Friday, September 27, 2013
When Success Leads to Progress
I stepped on the scale a few days ago. I saw the number and frowned. It couldn't be right. I stepped off, zeroed it out and stepped back on. Same number. One final step revealed the same number yet again. I decided that it was wrong and I'd wait a couple of days and weigh in again.
I've been struggling a lot, that's no secret. I wanted to make sure that the number on the scale was accurate.
This morning I stepped on again.
I blinked.
It was a different number, but not the one I was expecting.
I stepped off and back on two more times, convinced that it was wrong.
Each time it said the same number.
The last time I weighed in and put my progess into myfitnesspal, I weighed 209.
The number today?
205
That's one pound less than the "wrong number" from a few days ago.
I am still kind of not convinced but I'm going with it.
I weighed myself again a few minutes ago--still in the same number range (because you know you fluctuate a pound or so depending on the time of day)
Seeing that number this morning really motivated me though. When I went to the grocery store I bypassed the junk food for the most part. What junk food I did buy was mostly a treat for Monkey and Batman because I don't really like cheese puffs. The rest was fruit, veggies, some Lara bars marked down for clearance, and some of my WIC stuff for Baby Bug.
When I got home I brought the groceries in and then promptly turned around, packed up the stroller with snacks and water for me and Baby Bug. I turned on some tunes, gave Baby Bug her snacks and off we went for a 2.5 mile walk. The sunshine and the fresh air was great. Baby Bug was awake most of the time but fell asleep about 10 minutes before we got home. I sat outside when I got home and let her snooze a bit.
So today is a good day so far. I was stuck for awhile and even if that number turns out to be a little low when I go to the doc on Monday, at least it prompted me to get moving and make better choices today!
Thursday, September 26, 2013
A little more on self-care
This is such a hard task and that seems a little ridiculous to me.
Taking care of myself is low on my list of priorities most days. I could sit here and wonder why this is. I know why it is though. Women are socialized to drop everything and care for others in our society, particularly when that woman is a mother.
Today I made sure to have a good water intake. I've been feeling the effects of dehydration for a few days now, particularly when I spend an hour or two at roller derby. I always remember to drink water while I'm there but I need to drink more in general so when I'm there, I'm already well hydrated.
I'd like to take some time for some more beauty rituals too. I used to spend time doing my hair and make up every day. I spent tons of money on beauty products and makeup. I don't want to go back to that necessarily but I'd still like to not look in the mirror and wonder why my hair looks all wild and and why my skin looks so dry.
I was pleasantly surprised when I was chosen for some free beauty samples from Influenster. They chose me to test the products in their MamaVoxBox. I received it today:
Taking care of myself is low on my list of priorities most days. I could sit here and wonder why this is. I know why it is though. Women are socialized to drop everything and care for others in our society, particularly when that woman is a mother.
Today I made sure to have a good water intake. I've been feeling the effects of dehydration for a few days now, particularly when I spend an hour or two at roller derby. I always remember to drink water while I'm there but I need to drink more in general so when I'm there, I'm already well hydrated.
I'd like to take some time for some more beauty rituals too. I used to spend time doing my hair and make up every day. I spent tons of money on beauty products and makeup. I don't want to go back to that necessarily but I'd still like to not look in the mirror and wonder why my hair looks all wild and and why my skin looks so dry.
I was pleasantly surprised when I was chosen for some free beauty samples from Influenster. They chose me to test the products in their MamaVoxBox. I received it today:
Ponds Luminous Finish BB Cream in two shades, some Dr. Scholls gel inserts and some Annie's Mac and Cheese. I received them all for free for testing purposes.
It also contained a belVita cookie that I already ate. The cookie was good and nutritious. I wouldn't necessarily eat it for breakfast but it was anice treat.
Anyway I'm looking forward to trying out the BB Creams and letting you all know if it helps improve the appearance of my skin.
Keep your eyes peeled--I have a good blog post planned for sometime in the next few days. I hope you'll be here to read it!
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