My First Numeric Goal

I'm currently sitting at 212lbs. I've been in the 200s for my entire adult life and the closest I got to getting under it was 202lbs in 2009 when I was going through my divorce. 
It's not a diet I would recommend because divorces suck in the long run but at the beginning of that process I was HAPPY. I was free from a loveless/sexless marriage and I was taking care of myself and my daughter basically on my own. I dropped over 20lbs in approximately 2 months time. 
Of course all of that came back, and then some.
I can't recall but I was somewhere in the 230s-240s when I got pregnant with Baby Bug.
So I'm pretty happy but be sitting at 212.  That's 40lbs less than my highest weight ever as an adult.
I try not to set numeric goals because it's just a NUMBER. I don't want to obsess over the number on the scale or on my clothes or on the calorie content of my food.  I use them as tools but don't want them to be the only measure of success.
However, I think it's time to set a small numeric goal. So here it is.
I want to be lower than my lowest adult weight by the time Baby Bug hits 18 months old--12/18/13. My goal is to be 201 lbs.
Weird right? Most people would aim for 199 just to say they made it into "One-derland."
I think 201 lbs is a better goal for me. It's better than I was at my best as an adult and it's probably easier to reach 11 lbs than it is to reach 13 lbs in 3.5 months. 
If I go over, well then YAY!
And oh my goodness I'm setting this goal during the holiday season.  Time to REALLY focus.

Technical Difficulties

We have been having internet troubles here on the home front. We had a router go bad and it was a few days before we could get another one. Logistically speaking it's difficult to hardwire connect because it's in an awkward spot.  Additionally, we have all been sleeping in the living room for two weeks straight because of the heat and I haven't had any time or privacy at night to write. The baby stays up too late because we're all in one room.  By the time I get her down, Batman wants to go to bed and have a few minutes alone to cuddle and chat.  It's just been a series of incovenient events preventing me from getting here to write my blog.

I have missed it though.  I haven't felt as accountable for my choices because I haven't been here to write about them. So I'm going to list a few good things and a few stumbles:

1. I am down a total of 15lbs from my last known weight prior to this journey.  Some of my clothing is getting loose on me.  I am fortunate to have a variety of smaller sizes of clothing waiting for me while I transition so I won't have to buy new.  That's a good thing because if I lose even 10 more pounds, my pants won't stay up (you can't wear a belt with yoga pants folks.)

2. Roller derby is going well. I have gone to three practices thus far and all have been in 85+ degree heat with high levels of humidity and no air conidtioning.  I've managed to hang in for the majority of the time and haven't left early despite feeling like I was dying.

3. Batman is down a total of 26lbs from his highest weight. I'm proud of his hard work.

Stumbles:

1. I haven't made it to the Farmer's Market in a couple of weeks and as such I have not had as much fresh produce to eat for meals and snacks. I have succumbed to cravings and bought processed foods and have been eating more of those.  Even though I've continued to lose, I can feel the difference in my energy level.
2. I haven't done any exercise outside of roller derby. Seems like it would be enough but it is only two days a week. I want to work out at least 4. The same challenges that have prevented me from blogging have prevented the exercising. We're all stuck in one room so I can't do my videos; I can't breathe in high humidity and heat so no outside activities; and I haven't been invited to the gym.
3. My anxiety and stress levels are really high and I'm having difficulty coping.  I have eaten my feelings a few times and have gotten into arguments with people and have snapped at my kids. I realize that this is highly situational and that, when we are able to put the kids in their own rooms and have some down time and privacy at night, my stress level should go way down. But life is like this and I need to find healthy ways to cope no matter the circumstances.

That's a pretty decent catch up of things I suppose. I need to refocus and set a couple of little goals to work on now that I've made some progress on my initial goals.

Ideas?

Stress

Batman and I are both stressed. I ate my feelings for two days.  He is still eating his feelings. His stress today is because we are broke and have no money for groceries.
So the best plan is to go eat whatever food we already do have.
Great idea.
Today is just not a good day

PS--missed yesterday because the computer had a virus.

Cranky Pants--Take Them Off!

Today has been a rough day. It started out fine with a good breakfast and a little play date with friends.
It kind of went downhill after that.
Baby Bug is in dire need of clothes for the fall. Like she has a small handful of stuff that's weather appropriate and the right size because suddenly she can't fit the size she's been in for months now (imagine that, she grew!)
I've scoured resale sites and Salvation Army and Goodwill and a handful of rummage sales. Today I went searching at some sales that were posted online. I ventured out about 20 minutes from where I live and had a hard time finding the addresses I'd written down because of stupid construction. I managed to locate one but the others were just too difficult to find because the main way there was blocked off. I headed back toward home and found a handful of others but really nothing for Baby Bug OR Monkey.
It was lunch time and I was starving. I didn't have any portable snacks to bring with me so of course I went through the drive thru. I had a perfectly good lunch waiting for me at home but no I had to grab Taco Bell. I got one burrito and that's it. I hit a couple more sales before picking up Monkey from my parents. Found one shirt each :(
I arrived at my parents to find pizza.  And since I'd only eaten one burrito I was still hungry.
So I ate 3 pieces of crappy pizza, because I was hungry and it was there.
I was so angry at myself for it because it didn't even taste that good. I just ate it because it was there.
We left my parents and I'd managed to eat 1250 calories for lunch. It was 1pm and I had approximately 54 calories left for the day so I KNEW it was completely blown.
Baby Bug didn't nap and was whiney and cranky and I was frustated with myself for the overeating and I was frustrated with my internet for not working.
I overate at dinner too. And then I had crappy food for a snack after. I didn't even log my dinner or snack because I know roughly what it was and I basically negated everything I'd done at derby practice on Wednesday night.
And my mood is terrible. All this processed crappy food and I've been just as cranky as Baby Bug.
LESSON.LEARNED.
Until I put my cranky pants back on again in the future.

Oh Cravings, I have not missed you

I've done fairly well with healthy eating since I started my journey 40+ days ago. I haven't really missed much because I haven't starved myself. I enjoy eating food that fuels my body.
Today....

Today all I could think about was a dozen different delicious fatty foods--chips and dip, a big fat cheeseburger with fries, donuts for breakfast, nachos from Taco Bell. I wanted pop and ice cream.

Thankfully I did not have any of this food in my kitchen. I had half a bag of BBQ chips but I only ate a few with my lunch. I had a Cadbury ice cream bar but I have had one of those every day. None of these things were addressing my cravings.

Batman and I went out to the video store to rent some cheapy 50 cent movies. On the way there I was thinking how close it was to Dairy Queen and how we passed Taco Bell and McDonald's and the old Grand Traverse Pie Company.

What is WRONG with me?

I didn't really want the food I don't think. I think there is something else there. I was lazy all day today too. Maybe that contributed to it? I didn't get up and do anything remotely active. I think I took out the trash and that's about it.

When we got home from the video store I made myself a banana peanut butter smoothie. I went over my calories today but I'm okay with that because at least my snack was healthy and not a bunch of junk that I really didn't need.

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day!

She Rolls Again!

So it was my first night back at roller derby. I spent the entire day kind of jittery. I'm not sure what the nerves were for entirely. I know that part of me was worried that I just wouldn't be able to keep up.
I mean, it's been two years almost since I've played derby. I've had another baby and gained and lost about 40lbs total. My leg muscles are nowhere near as strong as they were before I had Baby Bug. My core strength? Well that's basically non-existent.
I was nervous also about not knowing anyone, about everything being different than when I was there before. New girls, new rules, new coaches and refs. There are a few people left from before but derby was just so exciting and so new and so...life changing before.  I was trying really hard not to expect that same sort of experience.
I got to practice a little early because I was getting some new to me, harder wheels to make it easier to skate a bit faster. When I got pregnant with Baby Bug I had been trying for a couple of weeks to order new skates from the rink but the manager was never there to help me. I needed new wheels and bearings and wanted new boots and probably a new helmet and wrist guards. Before I ever caught up with him, I found out I was pregnant. 
Everything happens for a reason right?
I had to remember how to put on all my gear. After inspecting it for any tears or damage from all the moves, I proceeded to put both elbow pads on upside down and couldn't figure out how to get my bearings out of my old wheels. 
I was finally geared up and ready to roll. 
It's different now.  I'm back to Fresh Meat status and the way they train new girls is different from what I did before. Not bad, just different.
One of the first things we did after warming up was a time trial to see how many laps we could do in five minutes. This was always my weak point. I would always finish half a lap behind what I needed to pass.  Now they've raised the number needed.  But as we started I found myself flying past the other two girls who went at the same time as me. My legs were burning and my lungs were burning and I got that old familiar tired feeling. But I talked to myself through the whole thing. This was just the first night back, just to see where I was starting and how much work I would have ahead of me.
I finished only 1 lap behind where I left off two years ago. 
I was pretty damn impressed with myself I must say.
The rest of the night we did more stuff I was familiar with and I was happy that most of it came back to me pretty quickly. Good old muscle memory.  I wasn't the best in the group obviously but I wasn't the worst.
And I was able to keep up. I never once fell behind. I did all of the things that the girls who have been there for awhile have been doing.
I was happy too because there were a few girls that I skated with before so that helped me not feel so nervous about being back. I was familiar with them and their skating style and I knew how to partner with them. It felt really really really good.
I can't wait to get back out there again even if I did have a massive headache and desire to puke upon returning home. That's the derby way though--always ready for more!

Meet and Greet

I'm not sure if I went into any sort of detail about the experience Batman and I had with our previous primary care physician.

I met this doctor back in 2000. I was very very sick and on the brink of pneumonia. I was not quite 22 years old and had never chosen my own physician before. This guy was close by and since I hated driving in the winter, I was sold.

He was with me through all of my pregnancies, including the two miscarriages I had. He was with me when I was diagnosed diabetic, when I was hospitalized for a swollen trachea, and when I tore my hamstring at roller derby.

I wanted very badly to have a longterm relationship with a doctor because explaining health history is so daunting.

The thing is....I was always scared to go to him and tell him what I had or had not done.

Over the years I've struggled with weight, depression, anxiety and they have all influenced each other. The more I ate, the more I weighed, the more depressed I became, the more anxious I became, the more I ate, the more....you get the idea.  My depression often made me stop taking my medications and checking my blood sugars. He always scolded me but I just accepted it.

I thought I'd finally be able to please him (I'm paying him to provide me a professional service, yet I was always worried about him being unhappy with me!) when I'd joined derby and lost some weight and my blood sugar was under good control.

It wasn't enough. I lost 20lbs and he said "You still weigh too much" My a1c levels were at 5.8 but I never got that pat on the back or feeling that it was enough.

The last time I went to see him I was discussing the medication that I was taking and how I was having difficulty remembering to take a second pill. I wanted to know if there was a one a day option. When I mentioned that I couldn't remember he said "Now you're 33 years old and you should know better...."

I stopped him and told him not to speak to me like that, he is not my father and I would appreciate it if he would change his attitude. He apologized but that broke us right there. I wouldn't do exactly what he wanted, no matter what it was because I didn't want him to think he could bully me into it.

I know I was ultimately hurting myself in that process but I finally realized that our relationship was not working. I was not getting any better and he wasn't really wanting to help me anymore. I had made multiple requests for blood testing strips for my sugars and he would never give them to me. When I called back in for a refill on my asthma medication that I have been taking for 26 years they said I had to come in for an appointment and asked why I hadn't dropped off blood sugars. I lost it. I told them that I had asked and I couldn't make him do his job and I needed the asthma medication because I needed to breathe. She insinuated that I had not used it correctly and I told her that I was tired of how I was treated there and was thinking of finding a new doctor. She said she'd pass the info along to the doctor.

His response? "I talk to her that way because she is not compliant with her treatment. If she is unhappy with her care perhaps she should find another doctor."  And then he called in my asthma medication.

Find another doctor we did.  It took some research because I was not picking a name out of a book. I asked friends and family who they see and made phone calls. Some I did not call because I did not feel they were a good fit. We finally found a doctor who required a meet and greet before seeing her.

I love this idea. Our insurance requires us to choose a primary care physician and we are unable to switch for 3 months after our selection. I don't want to get stuck with another narcissistic know it all for even three months.

Today was our meet and greet. The doctor was young and vibrant and very thorough in explaining how they operate in their practice. She answered questions for us and it felt like she was really excited to be welcoming new patients. I shared some of my experience with the previous doctor and she assured me that she understood, that she is a mother and that many women our age experience mental health issues and they can handle them well. 

So tomorrow I all our insurance and request her to be listed as our primary doctor and then I can make an appointment.

I'm so ready to get on with this chapter of my journey toward health!